Goddamn Awfuls

Time: As long as it fucking takes

Feeds: 2-4 hungry cunts

Items to be destroyed:

• 2 cups of flour
• 1.75 cups of bovine secretions
• 2 aborted bird embryos
• 2 tbsp sugar
• 4 tsp baking powder
• A pinch of a fuckton of salt
• 1/2 cup of vegetable oil

Sickening syrup:

• 1/2 cup of water
• 1/2 cup of sugar
• 1/2 cup of brown sugar
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp cinnamon

The ritual:

In a large bowl, combine all of the dry items on the shitlist and mix.  Then add all of the wet shit and stir until most of the goddamn clumps are gone.  Don’t stir it too much or else your awfuls will actually be awful, because they’ll be too fucking tough. 

Spoon enough batter into a preheated awful iron and cook until they are golden brown.  Mine takes about 8 minutes per awful, but adjust accordingly.  Also, don’t overload the awful iron with the sickening concoction, because it’ll expand and make a huge fucking mess.  If you make a huge fucking mess, the dark lord will not be pleased.

If you’re like most fuckers and you don’t have syrup, you can make your own.  Just boil the listed components in a cauldron until it thickens up.  If you have maple extract, use that instead of cinnamon if you wish.  However, nobody has that shit on hand, I’m sure, unless they’re from the great dark north where that shit comes from. 

Slather the searing hot waffles with the scalding, sickening syrup and devour.  

Cheesy Causticflower

Time:  30 min

The shitlist:

•      1 large head of causticflower
•      3 tbsp churned bovine secretions
•     1 cup heavy bovine secretions
•     1 tbsp dry mustard
•     1 tbsp garlic powder
•     1 tbsp onion, raped with a knife into infinitesimally small pieces
•      2 oz cream cheese coagulations
•     Fuckton of hot sauce
•     Fuckton of salt and pepper
•     2 cups of shredded sharp cheddar coagulations

Start by dismantling the decapitated head of causticflower into pieces about the size of elbow macaroni.  If you think your particular demons crave larger of smaller pieces, then feel free to deviate from the suggested size.

Place the mutilated bits of causticflower into a bowl and cover with plastic wrap.  Torture in your nuclear hatebox for 5 minutes.  Remove, bare-handed, searing your weak flesh in the process.  Add 1 tbsp of churned bovine secretions to the bowl along with a fuckton of salt, stir, recover and reintroduce it to the cancerous waves of hate for 3 minutes

Meanwhile, preheat your hatebox to 350.  Place a large pot atop your hellfire generator and turn up the hate to medium.  Melt the remaining two tbsp. of churned secretions and torture the onion for a couple of minutes.  Introduce the mustard, garlic powder, salt and pepper to the excruciatingly agonizing greasy death bath and stir.  Add the cream cheese coagulations, and constantly stir until they dissolve into a sickening mess.  Add the hot sauce and heavy bovine secretions and keep stirring.

When the cauldron of nauseating liquid begins to simmer, kill the hate heat and stir in 1.5 cups of cheddar coagulations.  Stir until it is as smooth as pus.  Pour in the agonized causticflower and mix well.  Pour this filthy concoction into a lubed baking dish.  Top with the remaining shredded coagulations and introduce it to the preheated hatebox for 15 minutes.  When the mutilated and defiled causticflower and take no more, extract and consume.   

Acidbath Fowl Pasta

Cooking time: 30 minutes

What you'll need:

• 2 boneless chicken mammaries
• 2 tbsp butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 shelled poultry abortion
• 2 slices of bread
• 8 ounces fungus
• 1 half green pepper
• 1 half white onion
• 1 half tomato
• 2 cloves garlic
• 2 lemons
• 1/2 pound fallen angel hair noodles
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• seasoned salt
• garlic powder
• black as my soul pepper

Here's how:

Though Dax from Acid Bath encourages you to eat his dead cock, we here at the Angry Metalhead Cookbook encourage you to eat this dead bird and hair soaked in a homemade acid bath. The secret to this recipe is a delicate balance of a fuckload of butter and olive oil and the timing of the cooking of the plants.

Part 1: Coating the Bird

The other secret to this recipe is a blend of breading for the poultry fun bags that you will fry in a fuckload of butter. To get ready for this, preheat a cast iron torture pan and a non-stick coated pan to medium heat, melting 1 tbsp of butter in each.

Put two slices of bread in the toaster and scorch them until they're sorry, ripping them to tiny pieces and throwing them in a blender until finely decomposed.

In three bowls, prepare the following:

1. 1/2 cup flour
2. 1 cracked, deshelled, scrambled embryo
3. Decomposed bread crumbs

To the bread crumb bowl, add 1 tbsp seasoned salt, 1 tbsp garlic powder, and 1 tsp black as my soul pepper. Stir it up, eat the entire thing with a spoon, and then make some more for the teats.

Move the formerly feathered bikini stuffers from one bowl to the other, thoroughly coating in flour, then egg, then bread. Transfer the chesticles to a plate and drink the remaining egg with a curly straw.

Part 2: Garden of Disaster

As mentioned before, the secret is the careful timing of plants placed into the non-stick crying pan to ensure that each is cooked exactly right. Pull out your murder kit and choose a particularly terrifying knife. Dismember the plants in such a fashion:

• Fungus: Chop into quarters or sixths
• Onion: Chop into 1-inch squares
• Green pepper: Chop into 1/4-inch by 1-inch strips
• Garlic cloves: Chop into thin slices
• Tomato: Chop into tiny dice and bet your rent payment with them in an alley
• Lemons: Chop into quarters (8 slices total)

Part 3: Boiled Hair—How Appetizing!

Boil water in a large cauldron and wait.

Part 4: Commence the Acid Bath

When the butter in each pan begins to turn brown, throw the fungus in the non-stick pan and toss the honkers in the cast iron torture pan. Stir the fungus regularly for about 5 minutes, allowing them to absorb the charring secretions. Throw the onion and green pepper in with the fungus and stir for about 3 more minutes. DO NOT ADD THE TOMATO YET GODDAMNIT!

Now that 8 total minutes have elapsed, you are privileged to know another secret of this recipe: Flip the sweater meat in the cast iron pan to fry the other side. Genius!

Also at the 8-minute mark, add the garlic slices to the garden of disaster, stirring regularly. Now put the hair in the pot. Take 4 lemon slices; squeeze two into the garden of disaster and two into the cast iron pan that is torturing the traffic stoppers. Allow everything to suffer in the acid bath for 3 more minutes.

Drain the hair when done and return to the cauldron. Add 3 tbsp olive oil to the hair, stirring to coat. Add the garden of disaster to the cauldron. NOW YOU CAN ADD THE TOMATO TO THE CAULDRON, GODDAMNIT! Stir everything.

Part 5: You'll Be Eating Any Second Now, Probably

Transfer the fried wahwahs to plates. Scoop acidbath pasta and plants onto each plate. Serve with 2 slices of lemon each. Before eating, chew on a razor blade for at least one full minute to enhance the experience of the acid bath.

Carbless Coagulation Cake

Time: An unreasonably long time

The Guts:

• 1.5 lbs of cream bovine coagulations room temperature
• 1.5 cups of fake sugar
• 4 chicken embryos
• A few drops of lemon extract
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract

The Scab:

• 1 1/3 cups almonds
• 2 tbsp melted churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp fake sugar
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• Dash of salt
• Lard or shortening

Required torture tools:

• The Destroyer
• Automated mutilation device

The ritual of sin:

Like a real metalhead, you enjoy heavy things and eating the delicious edibles you have created with the aid of the Angry Metalhead Cookbook.  However you’re beginning to feel beyond heavy and you’re getting winded easily in the pit.  Since low fat diets are for god-loving churchies and douche-wads who dress like faggots, you decide to partake in a high-fat diet.  This diet is ideal for soldiers of Satan, because you do not have to give up consuming raw, bloody beast meat on a daily basis.  We all know, consuming raw bloody beast meat is vital to pleasing the Dark Lord through cooking rituals. 

From time to time, you might desire something sweet after gorging yourself on sickening mutilations.  If this is your problem, then here is the ritual for you. 

Start by preheating the hatebox to 400 degrees.  Pulverize the almonds with the destroyer.  You’re looking for a fine consistency, like cornmeal.  Do not destroy too much, or else you will turn it to liquid.  This will cause the ritual to fail, and Satan will be displeased with you.

After you have properly destroyed the goddamn almonds, transfer to a bowl and mix in the cancer-causing sugar, cinnamon, salt and melted churned bovine secretions.  Mix well with a flesh shovel, then transfer to a pie pan you have lubed with lard or shortening.   Use your dirty fingers to spread evenly throughout the pan, including the sides.  Torture in the hatebox for 7 or 8 minutes, to coagulate into a scab.

Dump the cream coagulations into the bowl of the automated mutilation device equipped with the punishment paddle.  Beat the shit out of it for a few minutes, until it has been aerated thoroughly.  Slowly add the rest of the ingredients, stopping to scrape the bowl and punishment paddle every few minutes. 

When you feel like the ingredients in the bowl have been mutilated enough, transfer to the pie pan.  Consume any leftover batter raw, because it’s delicious.  Place the pan into the hatebox and lower the temperature to 200 hate units.  Torture for one hour.

After the time has elapsed, check whether or not the cake is completely dead by inserting a toothpick into the center.  If it comes out clean, it’s dead.  Let it cool for one hour on the counter, then place into the morgue for another two hours.  Extract, congregate, dominate and eliminate.  

Devil Dip

Time: At least an hour

Feeds: 5-6 minions

Shit to destroy:

• 1lb of ground beast meat
• One onion, raped to pieces
• One bag of fresh spinach
• One can of diced tomatoes and green chilies
• One can of diced green chilies
• 1/4 cup of pickled jalapenos (see recipe for Devil Dicks)
• 1 block of cream bovine coagulations, room temperature
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 2 tbsp Taco seasoning
• Fucktono of salt and pepper
• Fuckton of Monterrey Jack coagulations

The desecration of the corpse:

Prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a large pan and sear your beast meat and raped onion over medium high hellfire.  Drain the death fluids, keeping the incinerated flesh in the strainer while you ruin the spinach in the pan you just used to murder the beast meat.  When the leaves have wilted and are void of life, reintroduce the meat, and dump everything else in.  Mix thoroughly until the cream bovine coagulations have dissolved.

Find a casserole dish, spray it with a lubricant of your choice, and pour in the sickening mess.  Torture in the hatebox for 35 minutes.  Extract and immediately consume.  

Satan Soup

Time: An hour and a half

Feeds: 3 infidels

Shit list:

• 3 red bell peppers
• 5 tbsp olive oil
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 3 cloves of garlic, raped with a knife
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 3 cups of fowl fluid
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• The juice from 1/2 a lemon
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• Fuckton of Sriracha sauce

Tools necessary for completion of the sadistic ritual:

• Immersion pulverizer or the destroyer
• Death from above unit

Quench your bloodlust:

Prehate your death from above unit to its highest setting.  Rape the peppers in half with your blade and brush the outer skins with olive oil.  Line the hatebox grate with a piece of foil and place the peppers directly underneath the burning inferno, and let them suffer for 6 or 7 minutes.  When their skin has turned as black as your soul, extract from the box of fiery death and wrap in the foil.  Let them cool while you listen to Tomb of the Mutilated in its entirety. 

When the time is up, remove the blackened skins with your filthy fingers, and discard.  Rape the onion into small pieces and place it into a cauldron with 3 or 4 tbsp of olive oil.  Let the pieces suffer until they are clear.  Mutilate the garlic into tiny pieces and add it to the pan, along with the canned tomatoes.  Cut the ruined peppers into bloody chunks and toss into the cauldron, along with the cumin, cayenne, salt and pepper. 

When the mixture of hot death starts to simmer, turn it into a fine paste with either the immersion pulverizer or with your destroyer.  If you use the destroyer, reintroduce it to the cauldron.  Add the fowl fluid, squeezed acid and sriracha sauce.  Let it simmer for a few minutes, stirring from time to time.  Extract and devour.   

Dismembered Bird Boobs with Decapitated, Grotesque Heads

Time: A fucking hour

Feeds: 4 skinny bastards or two fat bastards

The victims:

• Two large boneless, skinless chicken tits
• Two tbsp AP flour
• Fuckton of salt and black pepper
• Some olive oil for torturing the mutilated boobage
• 2 cups of fowl broth
• 2 tsp corn starch
• 1 tsp of crushed red pepper flakes
• 1 large clove of garlic, raped into infinitesimally small pieces with a knife
• 2 large heads of broccoli
• 1 lemon
• 1 cup of macaroni noodles

Tool of torture:

• Emperor pan
• Handheld flesh scraper

From flesh to liquid:

Slap the flesh mounds down onto a board and knife them into bloody chunks.  A long with the flour and some salt, put the chunks in a bag and shake it like a screaming baby you’re getting paid to watch. 

Place your emperor pan over medium-high hellfire and pour in some oil.  Dump your chunks in the searing oil and torture until they are suitable for consumption.  Extract from the pan and place into a bowl.

Begin boiling a large cauldron of salted unholy water on an adjacent burner.  Once it begins to boil with fury, torture the tiny elbows for 8 minutes.  Drain and set aside.

Decapitate the tiny heads of the medusa vegetable.  Add the raped garlic, decapitated heads and 1.5 cups of fowl fluid to the pan.  Cover with a cookie sheet so the broccoli is boiled until slightly flaccid.

Mix the corn starch with the remaining 1/2 cup of fluid.  Pour that nasty shit into the emperor pan with the broccoli.  Now use the flesh scraper to remove the skin from the acidic fruit, and add that to the bubbling conglomeration of death. 

Reintroduce the defiled boobs into the pan.  Add the macaroni, crushed red pepper and a fuckton of salt.  Knife that lemon right in two and squeeze one half over the shocking mess you have created.   Demolish with your digestive tract.

Butt Honey Poopcorn

Cooking time: 168 hours

What you'll need:

• 1/2 cup popping corn
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• honey bee vomit
• salt

Here's how:

Microwaves are for losers. A real man pops corn in a dutch oven, preferably fueled by the demon farts, but in the absence of luciferian flatulence, a stove top will do. The secret to this incredible poopcorn is authentic, homemade butt honey drizzled over the kernels.

Part 1: Prepare the Dutch Oven

One week before making butt honey poopcorn, shoot a small woodland creature or harvest one from a nearby road and bury it under a full moon. The night before attempting this recipe, dig the creature up and consume it raw. Enjoy the nightmares it will bring as you agonize through severe intestinal cramping all night. When the time comes to make poopcorn, release the demon farts into your dutch oven and quickly place the lid on it. (It may be helpful to place a coffee filter under your rectum in case you've actually got the demon sharts.)

Alternatively, you can put the dutch oven on the stove on medium-high heat for 2 minutes.

Part 2: Release the Poopcorn

Pour 1 tablespoon of water into the dutch oven and quickly add 1/2 cup of popping corn kernels. Close the lid and shake vigorously. Shake about once each minute until all kernels have stopped screaming. Transfer the popcorn to a large bowl.

Part 3: Create the Butt Honey

Okay, I know I said microwaves are losers, but we're going to use one anyway, you loser. Put 2 tablespoons of butter in a bowl with 1/2 tablespoon of honey bee vomit and microwave it for 30 seconds. Immediately funnel it into your ass crack and let it drip onto the poopcorn below, stirring it to mix the butt honey evenly.

The Legs of Satan

Time: Hours

Feeds: 3 or 4 poorly dressed vandals

Killing list:

• 6 or 8 chicken legs
• 1 tbsp cumin
• 1 tbsp coriander
• 1 tbsp paprika
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp black pepper
• Unholy water
• The juice from 2 limes
• Even more salt

Weapons:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

Let the suffering commence!

Find a large, sealable bag and dump in the amputaken legs along with enough unholy water to cover.  Add a fuckton of salt and the juice from 2 limes.  Stash in your morgue for at least 8  hours.

Fire up the Charon box, and extract the slowly decomposing legs from the unholy, acidic bath.  Dry them with some paper towels, and cover with the dry spice mixture you mixed up beforehand.  Cover each leg liberally, visualizing how painful it’d be to get that shit into an open wound, but how delicious that open wound would be afterwards.

Place each leg on the hate grate above the flames of Charon and torture until they are thoroughly void of life.  You may thank Satan through verbal prayer and immediately consume.  

Infernal Swine Sausage and Peppers with Bloody Chunks

Time: One hour

Feeds: 4 drunk bastards

The doomed:

• 4 or 5 spicy Italian sausages
• 1 red bell pepper
• 2 green bell peppers
• 6 or 7 large mushrooms
• 1 red onion
• 1 white onion
• 4 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into pieces
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup of bleached jesus blood
• Fuckton of salt

The Bloody Chunks:

• 2 cans of diced tomatoes
• 6 tbsp olive oil
• 6 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into tiny pieces
• Fuckton of basil
• Fuckton of salt

Specialized murder tools:

• Immersion pulverizer

The unholy ritual:

Get your largest pan and place over medium-high hate heat and dump the sausages in.  It is important to use spicy sausages, but you may use mild or sweet.  However, let it be known that if you use anything other than spicy, Satan will have one of his minions fuck you in the ass for the remainder of eternity shortly after you arrive within the confines of Hell.  If you’re into that, then that’s fine.  It’s your asshole.  If you consume the spicy sausages, your anus will be lined with capsaicin, which leaves an unpleasant feeling on the phallus.  This will deter most anal rapists in your miserable afterlife.  

Let the sausages suffer until cooked on all sides, and let rest.  While the sausage was suffering, you should have been raping your garlic, onions, peppers and mushrooms.  The onions and garlic should be raped into strips.  Add the bovine churnings, onions and garlic to the pan that was used to render the sausages consumable.  Probe constantly for 5 minutes, then add the peppers. 

Torture for another 10 minutes, then add the mushrooms.  Torture for a few more minutes, then add the jesus blood.  Slice your rested sausages into pieces and reintroduce into the abomination.  Reduce the hate and cover.

While your sickening concoction is suffering, obtain a medium sized cauldron place it over medium hate heat.  Add the oil and garlic, and torment until the garlic pieces have softened.  Add the tomatoes and basil.  Pulverize it in short bursts, three or four times.  Let it slowly suffer for about 10 minutes. 

Extract the meat/raped vegetable mixture and adorn it with the bloody chunk sauce.  Consume and thank Lord Satan for swine.  

Burned and Liquefied Devil Pepper Sauce

Time: Too long

Feeds: 4 sweaty pit bosses

The list of the dead:

• 2 red bell peppers
• 5 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into infinitesimally small pieces
• Assload of basil
• 4 tbsp olive oil
• 2 cups of half and half bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup parmesan bovine coagulations
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Instruments of torture:

• Death from above unit
• Immersion pulverizer
• Bastard brush

The unspeakable mutilation:

Start by preheating your death from above unit.  Turn that motherfucker up all of the way and get a rack as close as you can to it.  Using your bastard brush, coat the peppers with some olive oil, and burn them underneath the hellacious raging fire.  It’ll take about 20 minutes or so (4 or 5 minutes for each side), and extract when the peppers are blackened.  Insert into a sealable bag, and jerk off to images of sadistic bondage for 45 minutes

After you are through mutilating your own genitals, extract from the bag.  Remove the skin and seeds, and cut into pieces.  Obtain a small cauldron and place over medium hate heat.   Add the garlic and olive oil, and simmer for a few minutes.  

Add the deceased pepper flesh.  When the first signs of boiling appear, use your immersion pulverizer to turn into a thick paste.  Add the rest of the shit and hit it one more time with the pulverizer after the bovine churnings have dissolved.  I like to devour it with charonized swine, which had been previously saturated with in acid.  It also goes good with dead angel hair.  

Slow-Tortured Titty

Time: All fucking day

Feeds: A small group of Ritalin junkies

Satan’s choice of consumables:

• 1 turkey breast
• 2 tbsp Dijon mustard
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/2 cup of bleached jesus blood
• 1 cup of fowl juice
• 2 tbsp rosemary
• 2 tsp fowl seasoning

For boiled death dressing liquid:

• 2 cups fowl juice
• 1/4 cup of juice of tit drippings
• 3 tbsp bovine secretions
• 3 tbsp AP flour
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of pepper
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• Fuckton of raped green onions

The required tools:

• Prolonged torture cauldron
• Bastard Brush

Killing instructions:

Start by mixing up all of the dry seasonings into a bowl.  Insert the naked titty into the prolonged torture cauldron with the liquid.  Using your bastard brush, paint the detached titty with the mustard, then coat with the seasonings.   Torment on the slowest torture setting for 8 agonizing hours.

When the ritual is near completion, obtain a pan and place over medium-high hate heat and melt the churned bovine secretions.  Add the flour and stir, until all of it it coated in fat.  Then add the fowl and tit juices and stir until thickened.  At this time, extinguish the hate in which burns beneath, and add the sour cream.  Stir until it has dissolved, then add the green onion.

Remove the chesticle from the cauldron and let it rest for 10 minutes.  Slice, drench in the sickening death fluids and consume. 

Charonized Sea Roaches, Seared with Acid and Disgraced with Herbage

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: You and another loser, and maybe another

The grub and other vermin:

• 2 pounds of sea roaches
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• ½ shit of melted bovine secretions
• The acid from two lemons
• 3 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 4 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into tiny pices
• Fuckton of chopped basil, destroyed with your dagger
• Assload of salt
• Ass load of pepper

Murder weapons:

• Impalers
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The preparation of the headless, sea scavengers

Begin by mixing everything up in a goddamn bowl.  Be sure to remove the heads, shit sacs and shells from the underwater pests, then dump them into the bowl with all of the other shit.  Place into the morgue then prepare to fire up your Charon box.

After an hour has elapsed, extract the sea roaches, that have been scalded by the tasty acid bath.  Impale each sea roach onto the, cold, steel sticks, and place above the hot coals. 

When the lifeless bodies turn pink and curl up, your feast is complete.  You may douse with more acid if you desire before you metabolize them into foul-smelling shit.  

Organic Scab and Steroid Casserole

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: A considerable amount of maggots

The damned:

• 1 lb shredded bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp basil
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tbsp parsley
• 1 tbsp crushed red pepper
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 1/4 cup jesus blood
• 1/2 cup parmesan coagulations
• 1 block of frozen spinach, thawed
• A shitload of mozzarella coagulations
• 1/2 head of purple cabbage, raped

The defiling of the dead:

Start a medium high hellfire and brown the beast meat with the onion and garlic.  After it’s brown, add the spices, coagulations, jesus blood, can of blood and can of blood clots.  Allow this to suffer until it has thickened; about 15-20 minutes. 

Meanwhile, prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Boil the raped scabbage pieces in a cauldron of salted unholy water for about 5 minutes and drain. 

If you need to thaw your leafy steroids further, do so in the cauldron you used to punish the scabbage.   Be sure to drain them thoroughly, or else the ritual will fail!

Obtain an 11X9 dish, and lubricate with some sort of oil.  Add the scabbage and spread evenly.  Next, add the defiled bovine meat and various bloods.   The next layer will be the spinach, followed by the fuckton of mozzarella coagulations.

Persecute in the hatebox for 30 minutes.  Extract and let rest for 10 minutes before you begin destroying with your guts. 

Incinerated Cod Crotch

Time: 40 minutes

Feeds:  2 or 3 hateful, hateful metalheads

Shitlist:

• 4 cod loins, about a pounds worth
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ½ sleeve of round-ass crackers that rhyme with ‘spits’
• The fluid from one lemon
• 1 tbsp of parsley
• 1/4 cup of bleached jesus blood
• A fuckton of salt
• A fuckton of chopped green onion

Unleash your murderous rage upon the crotch of the ill-fated creature meat:

Prehate your hatebox to 400 goddamn degrees.  Place the churned bovine secretions into a solid steel bowl and place in your nuclear hate box.  Enjoy the cool lightning show for the 60 seconds or so it’ll take to reduce the chunk of fat into a boiling liquid. 

Pour half of the molten churnings into a baking dish and set aside.  Now turn your fury towards the buttery round crackers, smashing them into dust.  Combine them  and the parsley with the liquefied secretions in the bowl.

Add your fish taints to the baking dish with the melted churnings, and coat with the liquid fat.  Insert into the hatebox and let it suffer for about 10 minutes.  Meanwhile, mix your citric acid and bleached jesus blood.

After the required time has elapsed, extract the crotches and pour the acid/jesus blood mixture over top.  

Now, cover with

the destroyed, fatty cracker mixture on top, like it’s some sort of goddamn breading.  Reinsert into the hatebox, and torture for another 10 minutes.  Extract for the final time and top with the raped green onion.  Devour.

Violent, One Eyed Sailor Dip

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: A room full of losers

The victims:

• 3 strips of bacon, fucked with a knife
• 1 white onion, raped to pieces
• 1 clove of garlic, also raped
• 1 bag of spinach
• 1 can of artichoke hearts, raped into 1/4" pieces
• 2 tbsp ranch dressing mix
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup spoiled cream
• 1/2 cup mozzarella coagulations
• 1/2 cup parmesan coagulations
• 1 tsp celery seed
• 2 tsp salt
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• Fuckton of pepper

The amalgamation of the various fleshes:

Start by heating the olive oil in your largest pan atop your hellfire generator over medium high hellfire.  Add the raped bacon and onion.  When the onion becomes limp and lifeless, add the vampire repellent.  Probe constantly.

After two minutes or so, add the freakish strength-giving leaves.  When they wilt, this will be a sign of sure death.  Add the disfigured hearts and cook for another couple of minutes.  Now, add everything else and mix well.   Kill the hate heat and continue probing until all of the coagulations have melted.  Devour with fried swine skin or by sucking through a corncob pipe.    

Deflated Scabbage

Time: About an hour

Feed: 5 or 6 murderous villains

The fatalities:

• 1lb ground bovine flesh
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 2 cloves of garlic, raped with the blade
• 1/2 head of purple cabbage, chunked
• 2 cans of raped tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp vinegar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The creation of the sickening mess:

Start by browning the bovine meat, onion and garlic over medium high hate heat in a big ass pan.  After it is browned, add your raped and severely bruised cabbage.  After probing for a few minutes, add everything else, mixing well. 

Reduce the hate heat and cover.  Probe occasionally, and let it suffer for about 45 minutes.  After the time has passed, you may consume.  

Blood Clotted Porkchops

Cooking time: 25 minutes

What you'll need:

• 4 chops of pig loins
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• soy sauce
• vegetable oil
• red wine vinegar
• 4 garlic cloves
• 1 ginger root

Here's how:

If you don't have access to a pig farm or slaughterhouse, you've never had the pleasure of bathing in a warm shower of freshly released neck blood as it pours out of the recently departed swine, splashing about in the slippery, iron-scented liquid and making blood devils. If you had, you'd know about one of life's great miracles: thick, chewy blood clots forming on the slaughterhouse floor, right in front of your eyes. This is your chance to simulate those blood clots as a savory pork chop glaze.

Part 1: Prepare the blood

First, melt 1/2 tbsp. butter in a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat and preheat a hatebox to 400 degrees F.

In a bowl, combine 1/4 cup soy sauce, 2 tbsp. vegetable oil, and 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar. Add about 1 tsp. grated ginger root to ensure that the blood has no soul, just like the hog. Press or mince 4 garlic cloves and add them to the blood. Now season the hemoglobin with salt and pepper.

Part 2: Sear the flesh

Smear the butter all over the pan. Throw 4 chunks of pig flesh on the pan and let them scream in horror for 2 minutes, adding salt and pepper to the raw flesh. Flip the chunks and spoon the blood mixture onto the chunks until the bowl is empty. Just keep adding it. After about 2 minutes, open the hatebox and throw the pan in as hard as you possibly can, carelessly splashing blood all over any smiling children that may be standing nearby.

Part 3: Clot the blood

After 15 minutes, remove the pan from the oven and immediately deglaze the pan by sprinkling red wine vinegar on any exposed blood and stirring it around, pretending you're laying on the slaughterhouse floor and watching the freshly released blood solidify in front of your eyes. Smear the chunks of flesh around in the blood to cover them in a delicious, extremely dark red glaze. Pour any remaining blood on the pork chops.

As a wonderful dinner party idea, go to a butcher and purchase a whole hog's head and place it on your dining hall table as you serve blood-clotted porkchops. Encourage your dinner guests or children to take turns putting random objects in its eye sockets and moving its jaw, making it say silly things such as "Fart in my mouth!"

Damn Spread

Time: A whole fucking day!

Feeds: A small pit’s worth of fuckers

Consumables:

• 1 pkg softened cream coagulations
• 4 or 5 green onions, raped with a knife
• 1 cup of diced swine ass cheek

The simple destruction of the damned:

Mix all of the shit up in a sealable bowl and place in your morgue for a day.  The next day, the postmortem fluids from the ingredients will have intertwined to form a symphony of delicious death.  Consume with fried swine skin.  

96.66% Dead Meat Pie

Time: A fucking hour

Feeds: Two angry metalheads

Things to kill:

• 1lb of pulverized bovine creature
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp dry, raped onion
• 1 tsp basil
• 1 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp sage
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper
• 1 clove garlic, raped
• 5 button mushrooms, sliced
• A fuckton of pepperoni
• Any other meat you like
• Fuckton of mozzarella coagulations
• The blood from Pythius Pie

Murder procedure:

Prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a large bowl and dump in the beast meat along with the first 6 ingredients.  Mix well with your bare hands, then lick your fingers like they were beaters used to mix up delicious cake batter. 

Obtain a pie pan and spread the meat concoction out like it is a pie crust.  Add your blood, then  a handful of coagulations.  Spread the coagulations all over the blood.  Next add your toppings, then the rest of the coagulations.  Insert into the hatebox for 35 minutes. 

When time for extraction comes, you will notice the meat base will have shrunk. This makes for easy removal from the pan.  Quickly consume and think about how terrible it is that you don’t have more.