Patatas Torturados Fused with Spicy Dead Flesh

Cooking time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: Two humans and one midget

List:

• 2-3 lbs of russet potatoes
• 1 lb ground beast, 80/20
• ¼ cup of taco seasoning
• 2/3 cup unholy water
• 1 white onion
• 2 cloves of garlic
• A liberal amount of Tabasco sauce
• 1 small can of sliced black olives (demon eyes)
• 4 slices of thick sliced swine belly
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• Salt
• Pepper
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ¼ cup chives

The injection of evil into the spuds:

Rinse the potatoes in cold unholy water and place into a 350 degree hatebox.   Add the pulverized beast meat to a pan, along with the onion, garlic and some salt.  Add the swine belly another pan, both over medium high hellfire.   Scald the pulverized beast meat until most of the fat has been extracted from the flesh, and drain.  Reintroduce the meat to a lessened firestorm of Hell and add the taco seasoning, unholy water and Tabasco.  Cover while it marinates in the brutalizing concoction. 

When the swine has been rendered crispy, extract and crumble into a bowl.  Save the swine fat in a jar so you may use it to induce suffering upon future victims.

After about 45 minutes, your spuds will be thoroughly softened by the intense hatred of Hell.  Extract and slice each one in half.  Use a grinder to sharpen the business end of a steel spoon.  Extract the steamy flesh and toss into the bowl with the swine.  Add the meat on top of the steaming pile of death, along with the rest of the ingredients, minus 2 tbsp of churned discharge and the demon eyes.  Use your automated machine of torture to combine into a revolting paste.  Manually stir in the demon eyes with your gutting spoon. 

Melt the remaining 2 tbsp of churned bovine excretion in the bottom of a baking dish.  Smear it all over the foundation of the dish while focusing on your unhealthy disdain of the baby jesus.  Next, place the disemboweled skins and fill with the mutilated viscera you have maliciously created with the strength bestowed upon you by El Diablo.  Place into your hatebox for 25 minutes. 

Arrange into a pentagram formation on a plate and serve.  

Death by Moldy Feces of Mephistopheles

Cooking time: 1 hour

Cooling time: 6 hours

The shit list:

• 1 box of brownie mix (oil, unholy water and aborted bird fetus required)
• 2 boxes of instant chocolate pudding (4 cups of bovine secretions required)
• 1 pint of heavy whipping cream
• ¼ cup sugar
• ½ cup M&Ms
• 10 drops of green food coloring
• Required equipment:
• Handheld automated destroying machine 

Unholy commands:

Start by preheating your hatebox to 350.  Next, destroy your brownie mix as directed with your automated destroying machine.  If the directions say not to use such a machine, throw the goddamn box away and use it anyway.  At the end, add ¾ of the kernels of Mephistopheles, which will clearly have his initial marked on each piece, and mix in.  These will melt beyond recognition during the torturing process, but will be reminiscent of blood and other abnormalities in the stool in which you will ultimately consume with ghoulish delight. Pour into a greased baking dish and insert into the deathbox for 30-40 minutes. 

In a separate bowl, use your automated machine of torment to combine the ingredients for the pudding.  Again, if the box says not to use an exquisite machine of torture, throw the box upon the floor and stomp it flat.  Next, use it to scrape the film from your filthy anus, set it on fire and blindly toss it out of a window.  With the machine, it won’t take long to mix into a fluid fecal consistency.  Afterwards, stick it down in the morgue to harden. 

While your liquid feces is becoming solid, pour the heavy whipping cream into a bowl and torture on your machine’s highest setting.  When it begins to thicken some, add the sweetening granules and the green mold coloring.  Continue dispensing unimaginable agony onto the defenseless cream until  it is as thick as pus from a wound which will surely lead to gangrene if left untreated.  Now place the bowl next to the pudding in the morgue.

When the huge steamer in the searing bedpan becomes fluffy and chewy, extract from the hatebox and allow it to cool for a couple of hours.  If you’re unsure if the feces has finished, stab it with your dagger.  If the dagger comes out free of feces, it is done.   If not, put it back into the box until that shit is finished and clean your dagger with some disposable wet wipes. 

Obtain a large glass bowl.  Destroy all of the cooked and cooled feces and deposit half of it into the bottom.  Use your bare hands to smash it down flat.  Next you'll add half of the cold, liquid feces, then the mold.  Repeat for the final layer.  Place it down in the morgue for a few hours, then ingest as though you were a repulsive fecalpheliac. 

Oriental Maggots

Torture time: 45 minutes

Feeds: A couple of angry fucks

The victims:

• 1 cup of white rice, cooked
• ¼ cup soy sauce
• 1 cup of chopped meat which has been seared above the coals of Charon
• 2 discarded fowl menstruations
• ¼ cup of diced onion
• 2 pulverized cloves of garlic
• 1 diced carrot
• 1 small can of Barbarian peas, drained
• 1 can of diced water chestnuts, drained
• 1 can of bamboo shoots, drained
• ½ tbsp. of crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp canola oil
• A shitload of butter

Preparation of the Emperor’s unholy feast:

First acknowledge and share with your friends about how this ancient recipe originated when the Chinese Emperor Ch'in was visited by Lord Lucifer in 214 BC.  Ch'in complained to the Dark Lord about how food tasted like imported camel shit, and was the reason why was so goddamned skinny. Satan gladly gave him this delicious recipe in exchange for the murder of the thousands of souls in opposition to evil.  The details may have changed somewhat over time, but the basic principle is still the same.  

Heat the oil in blackened wok, and add the onion.  Allow the bits to suffer until they are rendered colorless.  Add the garlic and stir, allowing them to soak up the brutal hatred from the searing steel for a couple of minutes.  Move all of the onions and garlic to one side of the wok and add the aborted embryos.  Let them receive irreversible burning until you believe the nucleus is starting to harden.  Destroy the infertile twat droppings with your probing device and toss until cooked.  Move to the side along with the onions. 

Next, add the carrot, peas, water chestnuts and shoots.  Add more oil beforehand, if necessary.  Stir around for a couple of minutes until the carrots begin to soften.  Dump the cooked and softened maggots into the mix, along with the soy sauce and spices.  Mix, then carefully smash the appalling mess, taking care not to explode the peas of the barbarians.  Increase the hellfire to high and stir in a large amount of butter.  Watch closely and ask Satan for unholy protection to ensure the demons do not burn your feast.  Stir and turn approximately every 1 minute. 

About 3 turns before the maggots are browned and crispy, add the meat.  Fowl is least preferable because it truly lacks delicious flavor, but it is easily attainable.  Other options include seared swine or beast meat from a creature bovine in nature.  A premium example of flesh, dismembered scalded sea roaches or horse.  You can mix the types of aforementioned fleshes to achieve maximum pleasure of sinful consumption. 

If you think it needs more churned bovine secretions, add some more.  Taste to ensure proper salinity.  If it needs more salt, use regular salt or add more soy sauce.  Extract and serve. 

Maggots with broccoli substituted for carrots.  Our Dark Lord permits 

you to use what you have on hand, as long as it is delicious. 

Baked Crap and Cheese

Cooking time: 1 hour

Goddamn list:

• ½ lb elbow macaroni
• Unholy water
• 6 tbsp churned bovine juice
• 3 cups whole bovine juice
• 3 tbsp flour
• 1 tbsp dry mustard
• 1 tbsp cayenne pepper
• 3 tbsp salt
• 1 tbsp paprkia
• 1 bay leaf
• One small onion, stabbed into fine pieces
• 6 oz sharp cheddar cheese; shredded
• 5 oz smoked gouda cheese; shredded
• 2 oz mozzarella cheese; shredded
• 1 large chicken menstruation sac
• 1 cup panko bread crumbs

Preparation:

Begin by preheating your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a medium- large cauldron and fill 3/4 of the way with unholy salted water.  Place atop your incinerator and selected the highest heat.  When the water is boiling furiously, add the elbows. 

Meanwhile, melt 3 tbsp of churned bovine secretions in a separate cauldron and melt over medium high hellfire.  When it begins to shriek in pain, add the flour, mustard and cayenne pepper.  You’re making a roux which will lead to the creation of a thick mucus, so keep stirring. 

Just before the elbows are done, remove from the fire and drain.  Provide some temporary relief by running cold unholy water over top of the elbows to prevent them from being rendered useless by suffering too much. 

When the melted butter and flour begins to darken from the searing blaze beneath, add the dismembered onion and stir.  Let the onions absorb the pain the other ingredients have had to endure thus far.   After about 2 minutes, add the paprika and bovine juice as well as 1 tbsp of salt.  Let it boil quietly for a few minutes. 

Thoroughly destroy the fowl menstruation with a whisk.  Temper it into the cauldron of thickened, immense suffering by adding scalding bovine mucus to the menstruation and whisking in.  After the temperature of the menstruation has been raised significantly, add it to the mucus cauldron.  Mix all of the cheeses together, then add most of them to the mixture.  Manipulate with your probing device until melted. 

Add the tortured and cooled elbows to the bubbling mucus concoction and fold them in.  Pour the entire mess into a glass or CorningWare dish large enough to hold the abomination in which lays before you.  Top with the remaining cheese.

Melt the left over 3 tbsp of churned bovine secretions is a medium sized pan over a blazing inferno.  Add the bread crumbs of the Emperor, along with a few dashes of salt, and toast until slightly darkened.  Spread this across the top of the melted mess, and place inside your hatebox for 30 minutes. 

When the ritual is complete, it should look like this:

Destroy and devour. 

Cannibalistic Bird Soup for the Soulless

Cooking time: a goddamn day

Feeds: The entire Church of Satan

Items in which you'll consume:

• 1 whole yard bird
• Unholy water
• An assload of salt
• Lots of black pepper
• 4 tbsp basil
• 2 tbsp oregano
• Lots of crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp Old Bay
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 onions
• 4 cloves of garlic
• 6 carrots
• A whole clusterfuck of celery
• 4 tbsp of butter
• 8 tbsp of flour
• 1 cup of rice or a handful of dried noodles, whatever you prefer

The symbolic sacrifice of the bird:

Carefully extract the bird from its artificial casing and place into a large cauldron along with the blood and juices.  Sprinkle with the seasonings of Satan and the leaves that once covered Adam’s tiny manhood. Next, add enough filtered unholy water to just cover the dead bird.  Rip the leaves from the celery stalks and throw into the pot as well.  Place the cauldron on the burner atop of your hatebox and sadistically smile as you slowly turn the heat to its maximum potential.

Before long, your abode will fill with the sweet aroma of death and spices.  While the bird is suffering within the unholy concoction, use your time to chop the celery, onions, carrots and garlic.  Do not hastily mix these vegetables, because you’ll be adding them at different times. 

Only let the immense torturing continue for about 35 minutes, or else the fowl will be judged inedible by Satan’s Disciples.  When it has completed, remove the corpse with your bare hands and carefully set aside onto a plate.  Gaze in wonder as the steam from its carcass rises and ascends towards the heavens.  This will offend the feeble god in heaven, as the steam will fog up his glasses.

Strain the death fluid into a bowl and use a garment to rid the inner walls of the cauldron of the gelatinized buildup of marrow and rendered fat.  Return the cauldron to it’s spot atop the hellfire and slightly reduce the hatred.  Add the butter.  When it has melted, add the flour, creating a roux.  Whisk until it has darkened, then add the onion.  After a short amount of time, add the garlic.  If you like your fluid to have the texture of hot and healthy urine, do not make the roux.  Instead, skip this step and add all vegetables and death juice at once. 

Once the aroma of mutilated root vegetables have filled the air, add the carrot, celery and death fluids to the cauldron.  Increase the flames of torment beneath.  Next is the moment in which a soldier of the Dark Lord is at his best; the disarticulation of the body!

Peel back the skin and consume.  Think deeply of the torture it endured whilst soaking in the salty, hellish bath mere minutes before.  Grab the naked corpse by the legs and give it a good shake; they will come off.  Dance around your altar, waving them above your head while screaming of your allegiance to Satan. Return and tear all of the flesh into small pieces and set aside. 

Make a fashionable necklace out of the remaining bones using a drill and 30lb fishing line.  You may use the wishbone with a friend to wish for Satan to rise up from the depths of Hell and offer to purchase your soul for unimaginable riches.  If you do not win the wishbone challenge, you have performed the ritual wrong and you must murder your friend and properly discard of the body by reducing its size with a chainsaw and tossing the pieces into a septic tank.  Be sure to remove the teeth from the skull because this will help eliminate evidence.  Plus you may need them as you age. 

If you win and your wish is not granted within a reasonable amount of time, you have performed the ritual wrong and must commit suicide.  Afterwards you will be cast down to Hell and made to be a slave of the underworld, performing mundane duties such as getting the paper and brewing tea with no reward.  

 

After the ingredients have started a pit and violently moshed within the cauldron for some time, add the rice or noodles.  I prefer rice, because it resembles maggots feasting upon rotting flesh.  Noodles can be visualized as parasitic worms, but will eventually turn to mush. Once you add either ingredient to the cauldron, the pit will settle down briefly as though a girl had jumped into a relatively aware pit at a Morbid Angel show.  When the other ingredients realize that rice and noodles are mere evil bitches looking for blood, they'll resume the violence. 

After the rice/noodles have completed soaking up the watery death, extinguish the flames of Hell and add the thoroughly dismembered bird meat.  Taste to ensure proper salinity, and add if needed.  Next, allow your soup of unholy destruction to cool, then place in your refrigerator for a minimum of 12 hours.  This allows demons in which come out at night to carefully intertwine the molecules, enhancing flavor.

The next day, place the cauldron back into position above low hellfire.  After a scorching temperature has been attained, you may indulge by guzzling your feast:
  

Beast Tips and Rice

Cooking time: 6 hours

Feeds: Two hungry, hungry assholes

Items necessary for the ritual:

• A couple pounds of cheap red beast steak
• 1 onion; shredded and chopped
• 1 carton of beast broth
• Salt
• Black pepper
• Several small mushrooms, whole
• 1/2 cup of jesus blood
• 4 tbsp Flour
• 4 tbsp Butter
• Garlic powder
• Small amount of canola oil
• 1 pkg goya sazon seasoning (Baphomet’s dust)

Required Tooling:

• Prolonged torture cauldron

Formulation for sin:

Mutilate your beast meat into small pieces, about 3/4” cubes.  Coat them in flour and sear all edges in a skillet with some canola oil over high hellfire.  Meanwhile, pour the broth into a crock cauldron and set on high.  Add the onions which you should have maimed into small pieces beforehand.   Throw in the whole mushrooms, garlic powder, black pepper, salt and the dust of Baphomet.   

When the meat is brown but still raw on the inside, drop into the crock cauldron, cover and walk away.  Next, deglaze the pan you just used with fresh jesus blood, then pour the remnants into the cauldron. Find ways to serve our unholy master while you wait, such as sacrificing easily catchable animals.  Remember, the larger the animal, the more blood for drawing a pentagram beneath the hanging corpse.  So, the bigger the better.

After you have returned from the ritual sacrifice, you may thicken up your beasty potion by making and adding a roux.  To do this, melt the butter until it bubbles, then add flour while whisking until it is the consistency of fresh felch fluid.  Let the bubbling mess darken, then add to your Satanic stew. 

Switch the cauldron down to low and make some white Devil grains.  For a delicious rice recipe, please see:  Seared Yard Bird with Bloody Chunks and Bleached Jesus Blood, Over Rice.

Extract the grains and pour the beast meat over top.   Conclude the ritual with a silent prayer to Satan, then feast on the beast.  

Fowl Hate Hash

Cooking time: 1 hour

Feeds: 2.5 slaves

Items needed for the sacrifice:

• 2 cups of cooked chicken, mutilated into shreds
• 4 or 5 red potatoes
• 1 onion
• 1 bell pepper (optional)
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 2 jalapenos (a shitload of tobasco can be substituted)
• 2 tbsp canola oil
• Salt
• Liquid Smoke
• Parsley
• 2 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Black pepper
• Cayenne pepper
• Taco seasoning (to taste, optional)

The preparation for the feast:

Begin by cooking your bird by any means.  If you wish to use a blow torch, please do so.  I’ve tried this a couple of ways; grilled above the coals of Charon and boiled in a cauldron full of deliciously evil seasonings.  Satan will allow you to choose one.  If you already have properly tormented cannibalistic bird on hand, the time it'll take to prepare this unholy feast will only be about as long as Deicide's Once Upon The Cross album.

Next, slice up the potato, onion, bell pepper, jalapenos and garlic into pieces nearly as small as the impact the bible has had on your life.  Meanwhile, get a pan going over medium high hellfire and add the oil.  First introduce the potatoes with some salt.  Allow the tiny pieces to sizzle violently while you stir.  After a few minutes, add the rest of the ingredients, minus the butter, fowl and taco seasoning. 

After the ingredients are thoroughly incinerated by the demonic blaze in which burns beneath, introduce the churned bovine secretions, fowl and taco seasoning.  You might have to add some unholy water from the tap to get the spices to disintegrate properly. Torture for a few more minutes.  

You can top this off with some cheese or whatever other shit you want.  Douse with tobasco, consume.   

Seared Swine Boiled in Fungal Demon Semen

Time:  1 hour 15 minutes

Feeds: A nice young couple, who routinely engage in domestic violence behind closed doors

You’ll need:

• Two thick cut boneless swine chops
• A dozen button mushrooms
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp flour
• 2 cups of whole bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of black pepper
• 1 tbsp of garlic powder
• 1 tbsp of onion powder
• Small amount of oil

The sadistic preparation of the swine:

Begin by setting your hatebox to 350.  Heat up a pan with medium high heat and add 1 tbsp of the churned bovine secretions.  Meanwhile mutilate your fungus into small pieces with your unholy dagger of the dark lord.  After the churned secretions have bubbled, add the disfigured fungus with some salt and sauté. 

While the fungus is being tortured, melt two tbsp of churned bovine secretions to large pan.  After this has reduced into a sickening, bubbling mess, add the flour and whisk, making a roux.  Add the remaining churned mammal fat to the shrooms and continue to persecute.

Add the liquid bovine fat to the roux a little at a time, stirring constantly and reducing the hellfire beneath.  After the desired thickness has been achieved, add salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder.  Then stir in the fungus from the other pan, along with the liquefied churned secretions.  It will resemble demon semen with chunks of rancid feces; a satanic delicacy. 

In the pan which once held the tortured fungus, add the oil, then the swine, which should have been dusted with the aforementioned spices and seasonings.  Sear on ALL SIDES, sealing in the delicious blood that will be ultimately be metabolized into urine and feces by your wretchedly disgusting body. 

When seared, move the persecuted pork to a baking dish just large enough to hold the flesh, then cover in a bukkake of demon spackle.  Cover with foil and let it burn in your torture box for 40 to 45 minutes. 

After time is up, allow the quivering chunks of swine flesh to rest for about 5 minutes.  Pour the boiling fungal infected, demonic spooge over the meat and devour.  

Seared Yard Bird with Bloody Chunks and Bleached Jesus Blood, Over Rice

Cooking time: 45 min

Feeds: Two pieces of white trash

Satan's ingredients:

• 2 Chicken titties
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• Dash of garlic powder
• 1 Onion
• 6 Button Mushrooms
• 2 cloves of garlic, smashed into bits
• 1 tsp dried basil
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• Salt
• Pepper
• ¼ cup flour
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• ½ cup fowl fluid
• ½ cup of bleached jesus blood

For Rice:

• 2 cups fowl fluid
• 1 cup rice
• 1/8 cup parmesan cheese
• 1 tbsp butter
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1/4 tsp dried oregano
• 1/4 tsp dried basil 
• Dash of marjoram
• Dash of garlic and onion powder

The ritual:

Begin by starting a large inferno beneath a large pan, and add the olive oil.  Also preheat your hate box to 350.  Cover your  C cup titties with the salt, garlic powder and pepper.  Wrap in plastic and painfully beat the ingredients into the flesh, but do not flatten.  Lightly coat the disfigured, nippleless breasts in the pulverized wheat and recklessly toss into the burning inferno.  Meanwhile, quarter the mushrooms with your dagger.  When the first side of the flesh pillows are browned, flip the boobies and add the fungus to the searing oil. 

Destroy the onion into about ¼” pieces and place in a bowl.  Add the bird fluid, bleached jesus blood and bloody fruit chunks with its liquid. Also add the remaining seasonings, which are thoroughly void of life, along with the salt, a small amount of flour and stir.  Just before the bird flesh mounds have received irreversible 4^th degree burns on both sides, add the fresh garlic to the oil and stir the fungus.  After about 30 seconds, add the contents of the bowl, cover and reduce the hellish flames.  Stir occasionally. 

To boil the grains, pour two cups of fowl juice into a pot, along with the spices and bring to a raging boil.  Add the rice, cheese and churned bovine secretions.  DO NOT STIR OR PROBE, it will only make your unholy grains taste like rotting angel poop.  Cover and toss into the hate box until all of the liquid has been absorbed, which will take 10-15 minutes. 

After the rice has absorbed all of the fluid, use a bare hand to extract the pot from the hate box.   The pain and scarring will result in a pleased unholy savior, which is the true and only purpose of our otherwise meaningless lives.  At this time, the chicken boulders will be done and you can adorn your unholy grains and firm chest mountains with generous helpings of bloody chunk jesus blood sauce. 

Prolonged Torture Stew

Any self-respecting cook should have a prolonged-torture cauldron for slow cooking. This is just one of many possible recipes in which a wide variety of victims can be combined to create one delicious mess.

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds stew meat
• 4 cubed Russet potatoes
• 1 chopped onion
• 25 white mushrooms
• 30 baby carrots
• 2 minced garlic cloves
• 2 (14.5 ounce) cans of beef broth
• 2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• An assload of salt
• A buttload of black pepper
• A posterior's worth of paprika

Ritual:

Dump everything into your cauldron on high for 6 hours.

Slash Browns

This hash brown recipe has an exciting knife twist: the "slash" comes from the slice in the neck of your sacrificial pig and the subsequent cuts into its abdomen to excise delicious belly flesh. If you don't have access to a pig, or live in an urban area not friendly to raucous slaughter, simply watch a video from the inside of a slaughterhouse before each preparation as a substitute.

Cooking time: 20 minutes

List of the former living:

• 6 or more strips of bacon
• 3 Russet potatoes
• 1/4 cup chopped onion

Slash n' Burn:

Prepare a cauldron of cold saltwater.

Peel 3 Russet potatoes and grate them into long strips of tuber. The longer the strips, the better. Soak the strips in the cauldron of cold saltwater.

Sear 6 strips of belly flesh in a cast iron torture pan and remove. Do what thou wilt with the rendered bacon. DO NOT DRAIN THE LIQUIFIED CYTOPLASM AND FAT OR THE RITUAL WILL FAIL.

Drain the shredded potatoes and place them in the center of an open ritual towel. Wrap the four corners up like a hobo's bindle and twist over a drain until no further liquid spews from the ritual towel.

While the bacon fluids are still hot, scatter the potatoes upon it and delight in the spattering torturous beads of scalding liquid that are released into the atmosphere. When the potatoes around the edge of the pan begin to turn black and smoke, flip and scatter the entire torture pan's contents.

Douse the still-suffering potatoes in salt, black pepper, and chopped onions. After a few minutes, remove and consume. Cut yourself if desired.

Agonizing Awakening with Swine and Potato

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 4 hellions

Consumable inventory:

• 1 tube of breakfast sausage
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 bell pepper, diced
• 2 or 3 jalapeños, diced
• 6-8 button mushrooms, quartered
• 4 red potatoes, maimed into cubes
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 chicken embryos
• 1 cup extra sharp cheddar Cheese

Wake up to the nightmare:

Begin with a silent prayer to Satan, thanking him for a world in which you can easily purchase swine that was led to slaughter and ground into paste with delicious spices and seasonings.  Next, start an inferno beneath a large skillet and add the entire contents of the tube.  Crumble it up with your probing device, keeping the pieces relatively small. 

After the scorching of the swine is near its finish, remove and add the potatoes.  Stir them around until they are mostly cooked, then add the rest of the vegetables and fungus.  If you’re a pussy (in which Satan does not approve) you will have removed the seeds and membranes from the jalapeños.  This kind of action is what causes St. Peter to potentially overlook your other numerous sins, and you certainly don’t want that!  Add salt and pepper and continue to stir until the potatoes are done, then remove the brutal concoction and add to the nauseating mess of seared swine meat.

The executed roots will have soaked up all of the beast juice from the pan, so you’ll have to replenish this with the butter.  While it is melting, abort your embryos into a large bowl.  Blend together their nucleic acids and add to the pan.  Keep the embryonic fluid moving so you get a good scramble, while adding salt and pepper during the process. 

When the aborted fowl fluid has taken nearly all it can stand, reintroduce all of the prior ingredients into the blazing inferno and stir.  Once it is thoroughly reheated, add the cheese and fold in.  When it has melted into a semi-agglutinated mess, serve and devour.  

Atypical Fruit Stuffed with Shredded Dead Flesh (Brujeria Style)

Cooking time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 fuckers

Consumable inventory:

• 1lb of pulverized beef
• 3 bell peppers
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 clove garlic, annihilated
• 1 package of taco seasoning
• Salt
• Shredded queso of your choice
• Hot sauce (optional)

The Summoning of El Diablo:

Start by preheating your hatebox to 350 and igniting a medium high hellfire beneath a large skillet.  Add the beef, onions, garlic and salt to the pan.  While browning, split the fruit from head to ass and extract the entrails and membranes.  Ignite another pot of scalding salt water and toss the slashed fruit into the cauldron of suffering.  Torture until tender, about 5-7 minutes.  Extract, drain and set side by side in a baking dish with the open cavities facing skyward. 

After the flesh has been thoroughly persecuted by Satan’s unholy flames, drain the death fluids and return to the searing pan with the taco seasoning as directed.  You may also add the hot sauce, which will surely earn trust and respect from the Mexican Dark Lord.  Allow it to seethe in the foreign fluids.  Once it has reduced into an unrecognizable mess, you will be ready for the next step.

Fill the gutted and tormented fruit with the dead, scorched meat.  Slide them into the hatebox for 20 minutes.  After the time is up, extract, cover in cheese (I like monterey jack) and get it acquainted with the broiler for a couple of minutes.  Once the cheese is beginning to brown, your feast is complete.




*Picture shows atypical fruit stuffed with shredded dead flesh topped with Lucifer's processed cheese dip.  (One block of processed cheese, 2 cans of tomatoes and chiles melted in a prolonged torture cauldron)

FREE RANDY Fillets and Fries

Estimated time: Several days

Feeds: As many fuckers as you want.  Fish are free and readily available for sacrifice.

Components:

• Several fresh fish fillets
• 2 cups buttermilk
• ¼ cup flour
• Minuscule amount of baking powder
• 1 cup cornmeal
• Salt
• A bunch of russet potatoes
• More salt
• Pepper
• Lots and lots of oil (Canola or higher quality.  Peanut is best)

Cook with me in Hell!

At present time, Randy Blythe of Lamb of God has been wrongly imprisoned in the Czech Republic.  Please perform this unholy ritual with Randy in your thoughts, since it’s hard to smuggle a file in a fish fillet and ship it to the Czech prison he is currently being held in.  Besides, the fish would rot before it got to him anyway and would probably be devoured by the goddamn Czech officials, who undoubtedly consider rancid fried fish to be a delicacy.    

Begin by catching your own fish.  12-14” largemouth or spotted bass work exceptionally well for this.  “But I don’t know how to catch fish,” you say?  Well, you’re life is of absolutely no value if you can’t go out and kill your own protein.  You’ll surely be kept out of Hell after death if you are truly that worthless.

Use your dagger to fillet the fish you managed to score from your local, polluted water source.  Soak the fillets in the rotten milk over night, which will firm up the dead flesh. 

Fill up your deep fryer with oil and set to its highest temperature.  Using your trusty dagger, slice your potatoes into fries and submerge in cold salt water.  When oil is ready, thoroughly drain and dry your mutilated roots, place in the basket and drop into the oil.  If you fail to dry the potatoes properly, the violent reaction of the oil will leave horrendous scars on your arms, face and possibly, genitals.  If this is what you’re into, then go ahead and drop them in wet. 

After two minutes of unimaginable torture, remove the fries and let them suspend over the oil until the temperature has returned to its maximum.  While you are waiting, you may use the time to loosen up any stubborn spuds that have gotten stuck to the basket wall.  I also salt them at this stage, because salt is the universal seasoning of our dark lord.  After the desired temperature is achieved, drop them back in.  After the fries are golden brown, remove and drain.  Salt them one last time and place in a bowl lined with paper towels. 

Mix up the flour, cornmeal and baking powder.  Extract the flesh from the bloodied rotten milk and coat with salt and pepper.  Then dip the flesh into the flour/cornmeal and drop into the fryer.  The fish will float up when done after about 2-4 minutes.  Remove, drain, salt yet again and devour.  

Roman Entrails

Estimated time: 1 hour

Feeds: At least 5 followers

Shitlist:

• 2 lbs pulverized beef
• 1 medium white onion
• 5 or 6 cloves of garlic
• Fresh basil
• Fresh oregano
• Sage
• Marjoram
• ½ cup parmesan cheese
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1lb penne pasta
• 1-2 cups mozzarella cheese

Bring forth the suffering

Begin with a silent prayer to Lord Satan.  Ask for the strength to endure through the orchestrated slaughter which will soon take place within the confines of your humble kitchen.  If you’re a servant in high esteem, you will have no problem achieving victory, resulting in the consumption of your enemies’ entrails.

Start by lining a medium sized pot with the olive oil then place upon a medium high inferno.  Dice the onion and add ¾ of it to a sweltering, oily death.  Meanwhile, destroy your garlic and add ¾ of it to the cauldron after the Satanic powers have rendered the onions translucent. 

Next, get a big, motherfucking skillet and ignite the flames of Hell beneath it.  Toss in the meat of the bovine creature, which surely met a painful and humiliating death in a forsaken building constructed for such sadistic purposes.  Add the rest of the onion, garlic, ¼ of the herbs (¾ of the sage) and a metric fuckton of salt and pepper .  Scorch the beast meat until it is brown and thoroughly dead. 

Add the rest of the herbs to the onions/garlic and stir.  Allow them a few moments for them to absorb the hate heat, which is similar to what your soul will feel for the rest of eternity once your worthless shell of a body has exhaled its last breath.  Pour in the canned, mutilated fruit (you can pretend it’s forbidden, since our Dark Lord is a fan of that particular tale) and add some goddamn salt.  Rub some salt into your eyes and curse the hand god for making you vulnerable to such ridiculous amounts of pain through a seemingly insignificant action.  In your temporary rage and blindness, add the parmesan cheese and stir as best you can.  If done correctly, Satan will be spiritually aiding with this process, making failure impossible. 

After the Roman blood has began to boil, reduce the flames and ignite yet another fiery inferno beneath a large pot of salt water.  Your meat should be nearing the end of its torture session, and you will need to add the sliced mushrooms for a brief period.  Preheat the incinerator to 350 and drain the death fluid from the dead carcass shreds. 

Once the salt water is boiling with rage, add the penne, which is what will give substance of the dish of evil you will soon be consuming.  Boil the floury intestines al dente, then drain.  Add the bovine remnants to the blood and mix.  Next return the ancient intestines to a pot, and combine with the flesh and blood.  Stir while thinking about how the pope would be weeping if he knew of the insult you have brought to his followers by preparing the entrails of their ancestors for consumption.  This is what they get for popularizing a religion that you hold in great disdain!   

Transfer the bloody mess to a 13X9 glass baking dish and cover with aluminum foil.  Laugh about how maybe the Roman Empire wouldn’t have fallen if they had been clever enough to properly use this element, which has proved quite useful to mankind since the first production in 1825.  Throw into your hatebox for 20 minutes.  This will be plenty of time to apply corpse paint and fashion a pope hat out of paper for the ceremonial desecration of a god held up by a feeble people. 

When the time is up, remove the metal and add the mozzarella cheese.   Place under the broiler for 2 minutes, or until brown.  Allow to rest for a few minutes, then consume.  You may save the remains for the following day.  Just cover with more metal and reheat at 200 degrees for about 30 minutes.

Tits n' Tubers

Cooking time: 20 minutes

Get ready:

• Two or more chicken titties
• At least 4 red potatoes
• 1-2 strips of bacon
• Bread crumbs
• Shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• Garlic salt

How it's made:

Tits are chicken breasts. Tubers are potatoes.

So you're making chicken and potatoes. You make them at the same time because you're going to share cauldrons and ingredients between the two, all right? They're just not as hateful separately.

Start by searing a strip of bacon in a screaming hot flat cauldron until it spews out all its fluids and mostly shuts up. Burn the little bastard until it's almost smoking, then remove it to a paper towel to await corspegrinding.

At the same time, cut red potatoes into eighths. For hell's sake, don't wash them! They'll get a bath in the boiling cauldron of doom. Boil a pot of water and feed them all in, delighting in the painful splashes of scorching hot water. Boil them as long as you like so that they are very soft in the middle.

Now cover the chicken tits in bread crumbs and shredded cheddar, and then throw them into the juices of the sacrificed bacon. You may have trouble keeping the cheese on, but just make sure some of it gets in the pain and it's under the chicken. The cheese will begin to fry. After about 5 minutes, flip the chicken to the other side and douse some more cheese on the now-cooked side (quickly, so it melts from the heated bacon fluids).

When the chicken is done, remove and set aside. Drain the potatoes and hurl them into the bacon fluids that now contain bits of fried cheese. Stir them around so they cook equally on all sides, and crumble the sacrificed bacon so tiny flesh sprinkles decorate the plants. Now rub the bacon residue from your hands all over your body and encourage your slave to clean your defiled skin with its tongue. When the potatoes are golden brown on the outside (just a few minutes) your delightful tit n' tuber meal is ready to consume.

Maliciously Marinated Seared Swine

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: 4 or 5 of your douchebag friends.  Less if your friends are fat.

Consumables: 

• One pork tenderloin
• Charcoal grill
• 2 tbsp clover bee vomit
• 1 cup soy sauce
• Juice from one lime
• 1 tsp black pepper
• ½ tbsp ginger
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 2 tbsp crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp parsley

Sacrificial Ceremony:

Begin by pouring the two tablespoons of the bee vomit into a large bowl.  Next place in your nuclear reactor for approximately 20 seconds.  This softens up the regurgitations, allowing it to mix easily with the other ingredients.  Now add the other fluids and powders then mix to create the malevolent potion.

Put your chunk of swine into a sealable bag and cover in the callous concoction.  Allow it to soak up as much of the wickedness as possible.  This fluid along with the luscious loin of filthy swine will give you the strength to serve the will of our Unholy Lord by fueling your heinous soul.  Be sure to save some of fluid for basting while the flesh swelters over the fiery inferno.

You will have plenty of time to contemplate how to fulfill the deeds in which Satan has assigned while the meat soaks up the solution.  After you dig approximately one and a half graves in moderately rocky soil during a full moon, the swine will be ready for torture upon the grate of Charon.   

After the time has elapsed, set fire to the pit of blazing anguish.  Place the raw flesh directly over the burning coals from the shores of the River Styx and close the lid.  Turn every 5 minutes, brushing on more of the ghoulish gravy until desired doneness is achieved.

Demon Digits

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: You and at least one of your gay friends.

The hate list:

• Two humongous boneless chicken boobies
• Two chicken embryos
• A small amount of bovine secretions
• A couple of cups of pulverized wheat
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• An assload of lard (or shortening)
• A metric fuckton of salt
• Black pepper
• Cayenne pepper
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder
• Sauce from The Wings of Satan

Persecution of the titties:

Start by rendering your fat into a liquid by heating a large skillet on top of your incineration box.  The scalding fat needs to be at least 375 degrees to make this work, so it’s wise to have a thermometer handy.  Of you can test it with your finger.  If the skin falls right off, you know you're ready for torture. 

Next, slam your C cup nippled mountains down on a mutilation board and retrieve your largest dagger.  Recite the Satanic Battle Hymn as you slice each jug into strips, about 1" wide. Dust with the evil concoction of spices you had the forethought to combine beforehand. Abort the unborn fowl and empty the embryonic fluid into a bowl.  Add a little bit of bovine secretions and whisk vigorously to combine.  Place your disfigured flesh pillows into the terminated pregnancy fluid. 

Combine the flour and baking powder, which will then become the Cocaine of Satan.  Roll the appallingly disfigured and humiliated boob meat generously in the symbolic drug, and toss into the blistering fat.  Let it swelter in the pan of persecution until they are golden brown.

Remove and drain.  After a couple of minutes, add to a bowl with however much demon blood you desire.  The more you use, the more hellish the fingers will be.  Mix and devour.  

Pulverized Fowl Scorched in Acidic Hellfire

Cooking time:  45 minutes, unless you’re intoxicated.

Feeds: 2 doomed souls

Torture list:

• Two B or C cup chicken titties
• ½ cup flour
• An assload of salt
• A fuckton of pepper
• The juice from 1 large lemon
• Some olive oil
• ¼ cup white wine
• 1 cup chicken broth
• ½ tbsp dried basil
• ½ tbsp dried oregano
• 2 cloves of garlic, dismembered
• 2 tbsp butter

Masochistic Procedure:

Start off adorning your face with a leather mask and ball gag, making sure the eye holes are unzipped.  Wrap your poultry fun bags in plastic wrap, then proceed to render them into A cups with a large mallet.  Meanwhile, start a medium high inferno of certain death below a large skillet.  Add the olive oil.  Remove the knockers from the wrap and add the salt, pepper, basil and oregano to the expired bird balloons.  Lightly dredge the bazookas in the flour.  Add to the pan along with the garlic.  Reduce the heat and watch closely, or else the wrath of Satan may blacken your boob-meat crust, which will render your dick squeezers to be completely unattractive to your salivating mouth, unless you’re into that sort of thing. 

Towards the end of the first part of the ritual, add the butter and make sure you coat the twins thoroughly.  Your patience will be rewarded by our Unholiest of all Lords when the jugs resemble giant scabs.  You may remove the flesh pillows and set aside. Add the broth,  booze and acid to the pan, and more salt.  Bring to a boil. 

After a couple of minutes, you will likely be fully aroused from all of this sexual sadism.  The final step is submerge the chicken cantaloupes in the acidic cauldron of death and cover.  Allow the poultry pacifiers to take in some of the caustic fluid.  Transfer to a plate and douse with the corrosive concoction.   Remove your ball gag and devour your sadistic creation.

The Wings of Satan

Cooking time: Depending on the ferocity of your hellfire, 1.5 hours

Feeds: A fuckload of fuckers

You’ll need:

• An assload of Texas Pete or any other mild hot sauce for the base
• Tabasco sauce to taste
• Cayenne pepper to taste
• Tbsp of garlic powder
• Tbsp of onion powder
• A fuckton of salt
• Tsp black pepper
• Tsp White pepper
• 1 stick of butter
• ¼ cup of worcestershire sauce
• Enough fowl wings to cover the grate over your flames
• CHARCOAL grill

Creation process:

First, please note I clearly specified using a charcoal grill to prepare this unholy feast.  If you do not own a charcoal grill, either obtain one or go off and experiment on your face with a 12 gauge shotgun.  Gas grills are for the weak, and our unholy Lord of eternal suffering does not appreciate weakness. 

Begin by hating, I mean heating, a medium sized pot over a medium high blaze of fiery torment.  Add the stick of churned bovine secretions, along with the rest of the non-flesh ingredients to the cauldron of miserable hellfire.  Stir it up real good and slow, gradually bringing it to a boil.  Reduce the flames of ungodliness and let it sit in its own suffering, stirring occasionally.

Dismember the wings by slicing through the joints with an extremely sharp dagger.  If you’re having trouble, just compare it to dismembering a corpse for easy disposal, and it should come naturally to you.   Add the pieces of lifeless, boney flesh to a bowl and adorn with a small amount of the boiling hate sauce. 

While the dead skin is soaking up the demonic fluid, start your grill by removing the grate, distributing a mountain of charcoal on the ash pan and dousing it with an unnecessary amount of accelerant.  Set it on fire with whatever device you prefer (i.e. match, blow torch, flame thrower).  A few minutes after the flames have subsided, distribute the burning charcoal evenly across the pan with your bare hands and return the grate. 

A few minutes later, add all of the Satanic wings across the grate.  You’ll soon notice a large amount of seepage from the dead flesh.   Contrary to popular belief, this is not excess fat melting off, but is actually the tears of god’s angels who have gathered to witness this wicked ceremony which marks the beginning of a great and unholy war.  It will also be obvious the tears are flammable, so it’s best you keep a close watch over this ritual to ensure that god does not gain the upper hand by ruining your feast.  After several minutes, flip all of the wings, which will surely bring forth additional sorrow from the witnessing angels above. 

Continue flipping for 30 minutes to an hour.  When the wings of our hateful lord have been rendered golden brown and crispy by scorching anguish, they will be ready for the final process.   Move them to a glass or metal bowl and liberally add the bubbling demon blood sauce, and mix.  Consume the wings.  You may use the leftover hate sauce to commit acts of sodomy with a partner of your choosing.  

Mildly Evil Lettuce Wraps

Cooking time: 30 minutes

What you'll need:

• 2 heads of Boston lettuce (or regular lettuce)
• 1 pound ground chuck (or round)
• 1/2 a white onion
• 2 garlic cloves
• 4 thin slices fresh ginger root
• 1/2 bunch chopped green onions
• 4 ounces diced water chestnuts
• sesame oil (or other cooking oil)
• rice vinegar (or regular white vinegar)
• soy sauce
• worcestershire sauce
• Sriracha sauce (or red curry paste)

Here's how:

This mildly evil recipe depends upon 3 things to come together all at once for something pretty kick-ass to happen. I know lettuce wraps seem like some kind of pansy shit you'd eat if you were Britney Spears or something, but I think you'll find, as I did, that pulverised flesh paired with pulverised plants can actually be pretty goddamn good when you wrap it in a leaf.

Part 1: Prepare the leaves

Get out your lettuce. Rinse it off and dry it with paper towels if you're a pussy and scared of dirt. That was easy!

Part 2: Prepare the mildly evil sauce

This is the part (other than the flesh) that makes this recipe so good, so don't screw it up. In a small bowl, mix 1 tbsp. sesame oil, 1/8 cup of rice vinegar, 1/8 cup of soy sauce, 1/8 cup of worcestershire sauce, and 1/8 cup of sriracha sauce. If you are using red curry paste, stir it until it is swallowed by the noxious fumes of the mildly evil sauce.

Part 3: Prepare the crumbled post-life wrap guts

Brown the ground beef on top of 1 tbsp. of sesame oil and dump it out of the pan onto the counter when it's done. Chop the white onion, garlic, and ginger into tiny bits and throw them onto the sesame-infused boiling cytoplasm. Now pour the mildly evil sauce on top of the bits, followed by quartered water chestnuts, chopped green onions, and more sesame oil. Scoop the beef up with your hands and drop it into the pan, wiping your hands off on your face. Stir it all together until it looks like something Britney Spears might process into feces.

When it looks like it's done, dump it all into a huge pile on a plate with stacks of leaves. Tell everyone you found it in the stomach of a possum on the highway. Though you will eat this with no utensils, hold a dagger in one hand and snarl viciously at anyone that tries to eat with you. Simply pour guts into the leaves and eat it like some weird asian leaf burrito.

Sickening Scrambled Morning Mess

Cooking time: 15 minutes

Feeds: Just your stupid ass

The Shitlist:

• 1/3 cup of quick grits
• 1 1/3 cup water
• 1.5 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 breakfast sausage links
• 2 chicken embryos
• Tabasco sauce

Mutilation procedure:

Use a small, yet potentially lethal cast iron skillet and get the swine links burning over medium-high hellfire. Combine the pulverized corn, water, salt and pepper in a bowl and introduce them to the nuclear apocalypse for two minutes. While you’re waiting, a sadistic smile will form on your face as the swine shrieks, twitches and screams in the pan. You’ll notice little manipulation of the meat is required. This is due to the spirits of a thousand generations of demonic razorbacks being released from the unrecognizable remains, which keep the meat moving on its own!

When the corn has been radiated for two minutes, add 1 tbsp of churned bovine secretions, stir and return for another one and a half minutes. You’ll quickly notice how the molecular friction of the particles have caused an enormous amount of heat, which has transferred through the bowl and into your flesh. This is an excellent reason to own a microwaveable bowl adorned with pentagrams and inverted crosses. This way, you’ll be permanently marred with the symbols of our unholy Lord.

After the concoction is through receiving cancerous rays, nuke for a 3rd time, for 30 seconds. This ensures any holiness has been properly destroyed. Remove and set aside.

Once the screaming beast meat has quieted, take a large metal spatula and maliciously slash it into chunks. Adorn the surface of the cancerous, salty corn dust with your murdered meat chunks and add the remaining rendered cattle fat to the skillet. Crack open two chicken embryos and add to the pan over low flames. Add salt, pepper and ferociously douse with enough Tabasco sauce to make jesus weep.

After about a minute and a half, flip the embryos and agonize for another 30 seconds. Pour them and any remaining liquid into the bowl with the nuclear grains and swine meat. Turn on some ferocious hate music and immediately induce a circle pit among the ingredients. You’ll notice the aborted bird fluid will burst open and coat the grotesque contents of the bowl. Devour, and you will be granted insurmountable demonic strength to make it through the day.

Dead Angel Hair with Mutilated Meat Sauce

Cooking time: A long goddamn time

Feeds: A buttsfull of bitches

What you’ll need:

• 1lb ground bovine creature
• 1lb ground swine
• 3 cans of diced tomatoes
• 2 cans of tomato sauce
• A dash of jesus blood
• An assload of fresh basil, chopped
• An assload of fresh oregano, chopped
• An assload of fresh marjoram, chopped
• 1 cup parmesan cheese
• Several mushrooms, quartered
• One giant onion, shredded to bits
• 8 cloves of garlic, shredded into smaller bits
• Salt
• Pepper
• One box of angel hair pasta
• More salt

Preparation for the unholy feast:

Start by coarsely mutilating the bloody chunks of your swine and cow in your meat grinder. If you don’t have a grinder, then don’t even attempt to make this goddamn recipe. This step is required in order to guarantee you have satisfied the Dark Lord by maiming the meat beyond recognition, personally.

Next throw the horrific disfigured flesh into a hot skillet large enough to crush a human skull with, along with a little bit of the onion and garlic, salt, pepper, some of the basil, oregano and marjoram. Also, adding a little jesus blood never hurt anyone, except jesus. Sear the flesh thoroughly until the screaming subsides. Drain off the death fluids and set the evidence aside.

In a pot large enough to drown several kittens simultaneously, introduce your cans pulverized tomato products along with the rest of the seasonings as well as the remaining shredded onion and garlic. Crank up the heat to produce a sweltering cauldron of death. Add the parmesan cheese slowly and stir while praying to Satan for immortality in exchange for your worthless soul, which will be achieved if you perform this ritual correctly.

Throw in the mushrooms, your tortured animal protein and a little more jesus blood. Reduce the burning hellfire below and listen to the entire Morbid Angel discography, except for the last album, which is unimaginably awful. (Lord Lucifer will surely punish them dearly for that last record) Be sure stir the coagulated mess every other track or so. If done correctly, you will summon the presence of Charon, who will benevolently watch over your boiling liquid of hate.

When the murder liquid is nearing completion, produce a pot large enough to contain a severed human head, fill it 3/4 of the way full of salted water and bring to a boil. Hold your box of hair from the fallen angel with both hands, high above your head, and declare Satan’s kingdom to be victorious. Toss into the pot and boil until the hair had been tenderized sufficiently. Drain.

Distribute the boiled hair evenly among serving platters. Ceremoniously crown each portion with a generous helping of liquefied flesh. The final product will resemble the remnants of an angel’s shattered head after losing a horrific battle with a soldier of Satan. If you wish to demonize your infernal creation further, you may add mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions atop the steaming pile of unholy death. Additionally, you can place the feast under your death from above unit for a couple of minutes to brown the coagulated bovine secretions. Once the feast is consumed, you will be upheld by Lord Lucifer as one of his most prized tormentors, and granted immortality.

Lucifer Lounge Pie

Cook time: 1 hour

Feeds: You and some of your worthless friends

What you’ll need:

• 1 or 2 pounds of ground meat, depending on the intensity of your hunger for dead flesh
• 1 can of corn
• 1 can of peas sweetened with promises of satan
• 1 can of carrots
• 1 onion, chopped
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 4 large russet potatoes
• Two tbsp of mayonnaise
• Heavy cream
• 2 tbsp of butter
• A fuckton of salt
• Some paprika
• Enough cayenne pepper to please the dark underlord

Engage the suffering!

Begin by setting your incinerator to 350 degrees. Sear your pulverized flesh and onion in a skillet large enough to swiftly murder someone with. Make sure the hammer smashed meat has goddamn fat in it. You’ll know if you have to drain off the excess grease by the time it’s through with the final death throes. If you use anything less than 80/20, you fucked up, and you shall slit your wrists in the bathtub while listening to poorly produced doom metal. If this describes you, always remember, down the road, not across the street.

While the meat is letting off shrieks of unimaginable pain, use your dagger of Mephistopheles to unmercifully punish the potatoes by removing their skins. Then use your dagger to dismember the potatoes into equal sized pieces. Throw them into a pot of blisteringly boiling water. Add a fuckton of salt, as will add flavor to your boiling cauldron of suffering.

Drain off the scalding death fluids from the meat and return to the bludgeoning pan. Diminish the flames of Hell in which burn underneath. Throw in the garlic and stir it while humming the Hymn of the Satanic Empire. Halfway through the hymn, add your cans of shit to the mix. If you choose, you may use fresh vegetables. They may taste better, but it’s way more of a pain in the ass, and I really hate having to do extra shit. Add a fuckton of salt, and deliver a moment bliss upon the spirit of your eternal dark lord by adding the cayenne pepper. Mix up and let it suffer while you turn your attention back to the potatoes, which should be thoroughly tenderized by torment.

Drain the potatoes and throw in a bowl. Add the mayonnaise, butter and some cream, salt and black pepper then use an automated machine of torture to mix. If you’re having trouble completely pulverizing the potatoes into a fine paste, add more cream until it is mutilated beyond belief.

Use a 13 X 9 baking dish and add your meat and distribute your sickening mess evenly. Spread the maimed root vegetables to the top. Dust with paprika so it looks like blood splatter on cheap hotel wallpaper. Place in the center of your smoldering execution box and reflect on the ways in which god has forsaken you for 20-30 minutes. After your hatred of the christian lord is more understood than ever, extract and serve.

Pan-Fried Hateburger (w/ the Blood of Cthulhu)

Cooking time: 15 minutes

Note: The secret ingredient in this hateburger is the habanero pepper. Not the jalapeno, hungarian wax, or banana pepper. If you don't have habanero, scotch bonnet will work, or a bhut jolokia if you're really an insane bastard.

What you'll need (PER BURGER):

• 1/4 pound of ground beef
• 1 slice of bacon
• 2 button mushrooms
• 1/8 c. chopped white onion
• 2 slices american cheese
• 1 hamburger bun (or 2 slices of bread)
• 1 habanero pepper
• Barbecue sauce
• Seasoned salt

Here's how:

Act I: Wherein the Swine and Fungus are Rendered Suitable for Consumption

Heat a pan on the stove to a moderately damning temperature. Viciously tear one slice of salted pig's flesh in half and place it upon the food altar. Slice the mushrooms thrice each. Enjoy the hissing and aroma of millions of muscle cells exploding, flipping the flesh when the screams subside. Upon reverse searing, apply the fungus and stir. When your sadism is quenched, set all aside on a draining cloth.

Act II: Harvesting the Blood of Cthulhu

If the onion is not chopped into infinitesimally small pieces, do so now. Then exact the same fate upon the habanero pepper. Take care not to use gloves while handling your hateful pepper so that you may later grind the curse of Cthulhu directly into your eyeballs whilst consuming your feast. Now pour some barbecue sauce into a small container, adding all chopped hatelings. Stir until the concoction bears resemblance to clotting blood.

Act III: The Coagulation of Bovine Flesh, Processed through the Grinder

Smash the beef into a patty. Throw it directly onto the still-scalding swine cytoplasm and listen to its shrieking. Apply seasoned salt. Before reverse searing, press the flesh. Whence flipped, halt for 30 seconds, then apply two slices of american cheese. The second slice should be placed at a 45 degree angle to the first, creating the 8-pointed star of the Necronomicon. Toast the buns in a toaster. The cow meat destruction is complete when the cheese begins to smolder upon the pan.

Act IV: The Hateburger Assembly Ritual

Warning: Do not proceed without drawing a circle of protection upon the floor in white flour. You will now perform a ritual with 6 unholy layers:

• Layer 1: Bun
• Layer 2: Beef with excessive cheese
• Layer 3: Fungus, placed firmly into the cheese
• Layer 4: Swine, resting atop the fungus and cheese
• Layer 5: A thick application of the Blood of Cthulhu
• Layer 6: Bun

When the last layer is placed, a rip in the fabric of space-time will be exposed and the Watcher will appear. His ghastly screams of hellish torment will be a delightful accent to your feast. Be sure to press your fingers into your eyelids to experience full agony. Do not, under any circumstances step outside of the circle of protection until the entire Hateburger has been consumed, lest ye become the meal of the Watcher instead.

Unholy Pulverized Flesh in Onion and Mushroom Gravy

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: You and your mom.  If your mom is dead, then just you and someone else you know.  

What you'll need:

• 1 pound of ground beef
• 2 tbsp of oil
• 1 medium onion
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1 egg
• 2 fist fulls of breadcrumbs
• Some garlic powder
• Some onion powder
• Lots of salt
• Lots of pepper
• Lots of cayenne pepper
• Some Worcestershire sauce
• A little bit of flour
• 1 cup of beef juice
• A generous swallows worth of red wine

The execution:

Get a big ass pan and get that oil burning on medium high hellfire. Throw your pound of pulverized flesh into a mixing bowl, then add the unfertilized chicken embryo, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, Worcestershire sauce and breadcrumbs. I’m partial to canned breadcrumbs, because they’re convenient and I hate doing extra shit to make goddamn homemade shit. Mix all of the ingredients by hand until it resembles rotting brain matter. If you happen to be blind and someone is reading this fucking awesome recipe to you, when it feels like the inside of a decaying anal cavity left outside on a forlorn autumn day, you know you’re done.

Take your onion and dismember it into an assload of thin slivers. Throw its disfigured carcass into the pan. Take your pulverized meat mixture and divide it into quarters. Roll it up into balls and smash them flat with your fists of fury; about 1/2” thick. Add the mutilated carcass meat to the burning inferno. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side and remove the tortured animal meat, leaving the onions and flesh drippings.

Sprinkle the flour over the onions while paying homage to Satan. Add the juice of the sacrificial cow as well as the blood of jesus, then add some salt, then your mushrooms, which you should raped with a knife into quarters. Pay more homage to Satan while you stir, and he will reward you by thickening your sauce. Once the sauce is about as thick as diseased semen from a dehydrated sacrificial goat, return your seared pulverized flesh patties to the pan, as well as any blood that may have seeped out onto your holding dish.

Cover and reduce heat.

 Stew in your on hunger hatred as you anxiously await the unholy feast which is sure to come. If you find the wait too maddening to bear, kill the neighbor’s cat while paying more homage to Satan. After about 15 minutes, your feast is complete.