Butt Honey Poopcorn

Cooking time: 168 hours

What you'll need:

• 1/2 cup popping corn
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• honey bee vomit
• salt

Here's how:

Microwaves are for losers. A real man pops corn in a dutch oven, preferably fueled by the demon farts, but in the absence of luciferian flatulence, a stove top will do. The secret to this incredible poopcorn is authentic, homemade butt honey drizzled over the kernels.

Part 1: Prepare the Dutch Oven

One week before making butt honey poopcorn, shoot a small woodland creature or harvest one from a nearby road and bury it under a full moon. The night before attempting this recipe, dig the creature up and consume it raw. Enjoy the nightmares it will bring as you agonize through severe intestinal cramping all night. When the time comes to make poopcorn, release the demon farts into your dutch oven and quickly place the lid on it. (It may be helpful to place a coffee filter under your rectum in case you've actually got the demon sharts.)

Alternatively, you can put the dutch oven on the stove on medium-high heat for 2 minutes.

Part 2: Release the Poopcorn

Pour 1 tablespoon of water into the dutch oven and quickly add 1/2 cup of popping corn kernels. Close the lid and shake vigorously. Shake about once each minute until all kernels have stopped screaming. Transfer the popcorn to a large bowl.

Part 3: Create the Butt Honey

Okay, I know I said microwaves are losers, but we're going to use one anyway, you loser. Put 2 tablespoons of butter in a bowl with 1/2 tablespoon of honey bee vomit and microwave it for 30 seconds. Immediately funnel it into your ass crack and let it drip onto the poopcorn below, stirring it to mix the butt honey evenly.

The Legs of Satan

Time: Hours

Feeds: 3 or 4 poorly dressed vandals

Killing list:

• 6 or 8 chicken legs
• 1 tbsp cumin
• 1 tbsp coriander
• 1 tbsp paprika
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp black pepper
• Unholy water
• The juice from 2 limes
• Even more salt

Weapons:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

Let the suffering commence!

Find a large, sealable bag and dump in the amputaken legs along with enough unholy water to cover.  Add a fuckton of salt and the juice from 2 limes.  Stash in your morgue for at least 8  hours.

Fire up the Charon box, and extract the slowly decomposing legs from the unholy, acidic bath.  Dry them with some paper towels, and cover with the dry spice mixture you mixed up beforehand.  Cover each leg liberally, visualizing how painful it’d be to get that shit into an open wound, but how delicious that open wound would be afterwards.

Place each leg on the hate grate above the flames of Charon and torture until they are thoroughly void of life.  You may thank Satan through verbal prayer and immediately consume.  

Infernal Swine Sausage and Peppers with Bloody Chunks

Time: One hour

Feeds: 4 drunk bastards

The doomed:

• 4 or 5 spicy Italian sausages
• 1 red bell pepper
• 2 green bell peppers
• 6 or 7 large mushrooms
• 1 red onion
• 1 white onion
• 4 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into pieces
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup of bleached jesus blood
• Fuckton of salt

The Bloody Chunks:

• 2 cans of diced tomatoes
• 6 tbsp olive oil
• 6 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into tiny pieces
• Fuckton of basil
• Fuckton of salt

Specialized murder tools:

• Immersion pulverizer

The unholy ritual:

Get your largest pan and place over medium-high hate heat and dump the sausages in.  It is important to use spicy sausages, but you may use mild or sweet.  However, let it be known that if you use anything other than spicy, Satan will have one of his minions fuck you in the ass for the remainder of eternity shortly after you arrive within the confines of Hell.  If you’re into that, then that’s fine.  It’s your asshole.  If you consume the spicy sausages, your anus will be lined with capsaicin, which leaves an unpleasant feeling on the phallus.  This will deter most anal rapists in your miserable afterlife.  

Let the sausages suffer until cooked on all sides, and let rest.  While the sausage was suffering, you should have been raping your garlic, onions, peppers and mushrooms.  The onions and garlic should be raped into strips.  Add the bovine churnings, onions and garlic to the pan that was used to render the sausages consumable.  Probe constantly for 5 minutes, then add the peppers. 

Torture for another 10 minutes, then add the mushrooms.  Torture for a few more minutes, then add the jesus blood.  Slice your rested sausages into pieces and reintroduce into the abomination.  Reduce the hate and cover.

While your sickening concoction is suffering, obtain a medium sized cauldron place it over medium hate heat.  Add the oil and garlic, and torment until the garlic pieces have softened.  Add the tomatoes and basil.  Pulverize it in short bursts, three or four times.  Let it slowly suffer for about 10 minutes. 

Extract the meat/raped vegetable mixture and adorn it with the bloody chunk sauce.  Consume and thank Lord Satan for swine.  

Burned and Liquefied Devil Pepper Sauce

Time: Too long

Feeds: 4 sweaty pit bosses

The list of the dead:

• 2 red bell peppers
• 5 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into infinitesimally small pieces
• Assload of basil
• 4 tbsp olive oil
• 2 cups of half and half bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup parmesan bovine coagulations
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Instruments of torture:

• Death from above unit
• Immersion pulverizer
• Bastard brush

The unspeakable mutilation:

Start by preheating your death from above unit.  Turn that motherfucker up all of the way and get a rack as close as you can to it.  Using your bastard brush, coat the peppers with some olive oil, and burn them underneath the hellacious raging fire.  It’ll take about 20 minutes or so (4 or 5 minutes for each side), and extract when the peppers are blackened.  Insert into a sealable bag, and jerk off to images of sadistic bondage for 45 minutes

After you are through mutilating your own genitals, extract from the bag.  Remove the skin and seeds, and cut into pieces.  Obtain a small cauldron and place over medium hate heat.   Add the garlic and olive oil, and simmer for a few minutes.  

Add the deceased pepper flesh.  When the first signs of boiling appear, use your immersion pulverizer to turn into a thick paste.  Add the rest of the shit and hit it one more time with the pulverizer after the bovine churnings have dissolved.  I like to devour it with charonized swine, which had been previously saturated with in acid.  It also goes good with dead angel hair.  

Slow-Tortured Titty

Time: All fucking day

Feeds: A small group of Ritalin junkies

Satan’s choice of consumables:

• 1 turkey breast
• 2 tbsp Dijon mustard
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/2 cup of bleached jesus blood
• 1 cup of fowl juice
• 2 tbsp rosemary
• 2 tsp fowl seasoning

For boiled death dressing liquid:

• 2 cups fowl juice
• 1/4 cup of juice of tit drippings
• 3 tbsp bovine secretions
• 3 tbsp AP flour
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of pepper
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• Fuckton of raped green onions

The required tools:

• Prolonged torture cauldron
• Bastard Brush

Killing instructions:

Start by mixing up all of the dry seasonings into a bowl.  Insert the naked titty into the prolonged torture cauldron with the liquid.  Using your bastard brush, paint the detached titty with the mustard, then coat with the seasonings.   Torment on the slowest torture setting for 8 agonizing hours.

When the ritual is near completion, obtain a pan and place over medium-high hate heat and melt the churned bovine secretions.  Add the flour and stir, until all of it it coated in fat.  Then add the fowl and tit juices and stir until thickened.  At this time, extinguish the hate in which burns beneath, and add the sour cream.  Stir until it has dissolved, then add the green onion.

Remove the chesticle from the cauldron and let it rest for 10 minutes.  Slice, drench in the sickening death fluids and consume. 

Charonized Sea Roaches, Seared with Acid and Disgraced with Herbage

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: You and another loser, and maybe another

The grub and other vermin:

• 2 pounds of sea roaches
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• ½ shit of melted bovine secretions
• The acid from two lemons
• 3 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 4 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into tiny pices
• Fuckton of chopped basil, destroyed with your dagger
• Assload of salt
• Ass load of pepper

Murder weapons:

• Impalers
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The preparation of the headless, sea scavengers

Begin by mixing everything up in a goddamn bowl.  Be sure to remove the heads, shit sacs and shells from the underwater pests, then dump them into the bowl with all of the other shit.  Place into the morgue then prepare to fire up your Charon box.

After an hour has elapsed, extract the sea roaches, that have been scalded by the tasty acid bath.  Impale each sea roach onto the, cold, steel sticks, and place above the hot coals. 

When the lifeless bodies turn pink and curl up, your feast is complete.  You may douse with more acid if you desire before you metabolize them into foul-smelling shit.  

Organic Scab and Steroid Casserole

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: A considerable amount of maggots

The damned:

• 1 lb shredded bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp basil
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tbsp parsley
• 1 tbsp crushed red pepper
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 1/4 cup jesus blood
• 1/2 cup parmesan coagulations
• 1 block of frozen spinach, thawed
• A shitload of mozzarella coagulations
• 1/2 head of purple cabbage, raped

The defiling of the dead:

Start a medium high hellfire and brown the beast meat with the onion and garlic.  After it’s brown, add the spices, coagulations, jesus blood, can of blood and can of blood clots.  Allow this to suffer until it has thickened; about 15-20 minutes. 

Meanwhile, prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Boil the raped scabbage pieces in a cauldron of salted unholy water for about 5 minutes and drain. 

If you need to thaw your leafy steroids further, do so in the cauldron you used to punish the scabbage.   Be sure to drain them thoroughly, or else the ritual will fail!

Obtain an 11X9 dish, and lubricate with some sort of oil.  Add the scabbage and spread evenly.  Next, add the defiled bovine meat and various bloods.   The next layer will be the spinach, followed by the fuckton of mozzarella coagulations.

Persecute in the hatebox for 30 minutes.  Extract and let rest for 10 minutes before you begin destroying with your guts. 

Incinerated Cod Crotch

Time: 40 minutes

Feeds:  2 or 3 hateful, hateful metalheads

Shitlist:

• 4 cod loins, about a pounds worth
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ½ sleeve of round-ass crackers that rhyme with ‘spits’
• The fluid from one lemon
• 1 tbsp of parsley
• 1/4 cup of bleached jesus blood
• A fuckton of salt
• A fuckton of chopped green onion

Unleash your murderous rage upon the crotch of the ill-fated creature meat:

Prehate your hatebox to 400 goddamn degrees.  Place the churned bovine secretions into a solid steel bowl and place in your nuclear hate box.  Enjoy the cool lightning show for the 60 seconds or so it’ll take to reduce the chunk of fat into a boiling liquid. 

Pour half of the molten churnings into a baking dish and set aside.  Now turn your fury towards the buttery round crackers, smashing them into dust.  Combine them  and the parsley with the liquefied secretions in the bowl.

Add your fish taints to the baking dish with the melted churnings, and coat with the liquid fat.  Insert into the hatebox and let it suffer for about 10 minutes.  Meanwhile, mix your citric acid and bleached jesus blood.

After the required time has elapsed, extract the crotches and pour the acid/jesus blood mixture over top.  

Now, cover with

the destroyed, fatty cracker mixture on top, like it’s some sort of goddamn breading.  Reinsert into the hatebox, and torture for another 10 minutes.  Extract for the final time and top with the raped green onion.  Devour.

Violent, One Eyed Sailor Dip

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: A room full of losers

The victims:

• 3 strips of bacon, fucked with a knife
• 1 white onion, raped to pieces
• 1 clove of garlic, also raped
• 1 bag of spinach
• 1 can of artichoke hearts, raped into 1/4" pieces
• 2 tbsp ranch dressing mix
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup spoiled cream
• 1/2 cup mozzarella coagulations
• 1/2 cup parmesan coagulations
• 1 tsp celery seed
• 2 tsp salt
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• Fuckton of pepper

The amalgamation of the various fleshes:

Start by heating the olive oil in your largest pan atop your hellfire generator over medium high hellfire.  Add the raped bacon and onion.  When the onion becomes limp and lifeless, add the vampire repellent.  Probe constantly.

After two minutes or so, add the freakish strength-giving leaves.  When they wilt, this will be a sign of sure death.  Add the disfigured hearts and cook for another couple of minutes.  Now, add everything else and mix well.   Kill the hate heat and continue probing until all of the coagulations have melted.  Devour with fried swine skin or by sucking through a corncob pipe.    

Deflated Scabbage

Time: About an hour

Feed: 5 or 6 murderous villains

The fatalities:

• 1lb ground bovine flesh
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 2 cloves of garlic, raped with the blade
• 1/2 head of purple cabbage, chunked
• 2 cans of raped tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp vinegar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The creation of the sickening mess:

Start by browning the bovine meat, onion and garlic over medium high hate heat in a big ass pan.  After it is browned, add your raped and severely bruised cabbage.  After probing for a few minutes, add everything else, mixing well. 

Reduce the hate heat and cover.  Probe occasionally, and let it suffer for about 45 minutes.  After the time has passed, you may consume.  

Blood Clotted Porkchops

Cooking time: 25 minutes

What you'll need:

• 4 chops of pig loins
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• soy sauce
• vegetable oil
• red wine vinegar
• 4 garlic cloves
• 1 ginger root

Here's how:

If you don't have access to a pig farm or slaughterhouse, you've never had the pleasure of bathing in a warm shower of freshly released neck blood as it pours out of the recently departed swine, splashing about in the slippery, iron-scented liquid and making blood devils. If you had, you'd know about one of life's great miracles: thick, chewy blood clots forming on the slaughterhouse floor, right in front of your eyes. This is your chance to simulate those blood clots as a savory pork chop glaze.

Part 1: Prepare the blood

First, melt 1/2 tbsp. butter in a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat and preheat a hatebox to 400 degrees F.

In a bowl, combine 1/4 cup soy sauce, 2 tbsp. vegetable oil, and 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar. Add about 1 tsp. grated ginger root to ensure that the blood has no soul, just like the hog. Press or mince 4 garlic cloves and add them to the blood. Now season the hemoglobin with salt and pepper.

Part 2: Sear the flesh

Smear the butter all over the pan. Throw 4 chunks of pig flesh on the pan and let them scream in horror for 2 minutes, adding salt and pepper to the raw flesh. Flip the chunks and spoon the blood mixture onto the chunks until the bowl is empty. Just keep adding it. After about 2 minutes, open the hatebox and throw the pan in as hard as you possibly can, carelessly splashing blood all over any smiling children that may be standing nearby.

Part 3: Clot the blood

After 15 minutes, remove the pan from the oven and immediately deglaze the pan by sprinkling red wine vinegar on any exposed blood and stirring it around, pretending you're laying on the slaughterhouse floor and watching the freshly released blood solidify in front of your eyes. Smear the chunks of flesh around in the blood to cover them in a delicious, extremely dark red glaze. Pour any remaining blood on the pork chops.

As a wonderful dinner party idea, go to a butcher and purchase a whole hog's head and place it on your dining hall table as you serve blood-clotted porkchops. Encourage your dinner guests or children to take turns putting random objects in its eye sockets and moving its jaw, making it say silly things such as "Fart in my mouth!"

Damn Spread

Time: A whole fucking day!

Feeds: A small pit’s worth of fuckers

Consumables:

• 1 pkg softened cream coagulations
• 4 or 5 green onions, raped with a knife
• 1 cup of diced swine ass cheek

The simple destruction of the damned:

Mix all of the shit up in a sealable bowl and place in your morgue for a day.  The next day, the postmortem fluids from the ingredients will have intertwined to form a symphony of delicious death.  Consume with fried swine skin.  

96.66% Dead Meat Pie

Time: A fucking hour

Feeds: Two angry metalheads

Things to kill:

• 1lb of pulverized bovine creature
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp dry, raped onion
• 1 tsp basil
• 1 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp sage
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper
• 1 clove garlic, raped
• 5 button mushrooms, sliced
• A fuckton of pepperoni
• Any other meat you like
• Fuckton of mozzarella coagulations
• The blood from Pythius Pie

Murder procedure:

Prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a large bowl and dump in the beast meat along with the first 6 ingredients.  Mix well with your bare hands, then lick your fingers like they were beaters used to mix up delicious cake batter. 

Obtain a pie pan and spread the meat concoction out like it is a pie crust.  Add your blood, then  a handful of coagulations.  Spread the coagulations all over the blood.  Next add your toppings, then the rest of the coagulations.  Insert into the hatebox for 35 minutes. 

When time for extraction comes, you will notice the meat base will have shrunk. This makes for easy removal from the pan.  Quickly consume and think about how terrible it is that you don’t have more.   

Cryogenic Alien Bitch Fingers

Time: As long as you wish

Feeds: About 4 douchebags

Shitlist:

• 15 or 20 okra pods
• Large pot of boiling unholy water
• Large bowl of iced unholy water
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1/2 cup corn mean
• Fuckton of canola oil
• Fuckton of salt

Paraphernalia:

• Cryogenic storage
• The cauldron of oily expiration

The mutilation of the extraterrestrial digits:

Boil your unholy water and dump the fingers in, whole.   Agonize for 3 minutes.  Extract and submerge in the iced unholy water for at least 5 minutes.  Drain for another 5 minutes.  A repulsive, clear, slimy blood will be oozing from the detached digits.  This is normal.

Next, rape the fingers with your dagger into 1/2” pieces.  Dump into a bag along with the flour and cornmeal, and shake violently.  Strain off the excess dust, and place on a baking sheet.  Place the baking sheet into your cryogenic storage for about 30 minutes.  Extract, and dump the mutilated fingers into a bag, squeeze out as much air as you can and store up to one revolution around our home star.

When you develop a ravenous bloodlust for alien fingers, retrieve your bag of disfigured digits and fire up your cauldron of oily expiration.  Set the temp to 350 and torture for about 5 minutes, or until browned.  Extract, drain and cover in the fuckton of salt while they are still searing with unimaginable pain.  Serve and destroy with your gastrointestinal tract.  

Charonized Pods

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: A few of your closest assholes

Shit to kill:

• 1 or 2 lbs of green beans
• 1 tbsp raped garlic
• 2 tsp crushed red pepper
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/4 cup of olive oil

Necessary torture tools:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The destruction of the legumes:

Obtain a large bowl and mix everything up inside.  Fire up your external hatebox and dump the contents of the bowl onto the hategrate.  Torture for 5-10 minutes, until browning of the green flesh starts to occur.  

Basic Charonized Swine Chops

Time: Hours and fucking hours!

Feeds:  Two or three assholes

List of shit:

• 4 Bone in swine chops
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• The vital fluids of two lemons
• 1/3 cup of olive oil
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• Crushed red pepper
• 2 tbsp bee vomit

Required tooling:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The execution:

Begin by obtaining a large, sealable bag.  Dump all of this shit into the bag and place into the morgue for at least 4 hours.

After the time has elapsed, extract the swine flesh that has been penetrated by the acid and other ingredients.  Ignite a large flame within your Charon box.

When the coals become white hot, thank Satan for the ability to sear flesh, and add the meat saturated with hatred to the torturing grate.  If the chops are about 3/4" thick, cook for 3.5 minutes, then rotate 90 degrees.  After another 3.5 minutes, flip and repeat.  This makes the flesh look like it was tortured by a professional.

Extract and let rest, so the molecules can reabsorb the searing hate fluids that churn within. 

Devour.  Use the remaining bones to pick any stray flesh from the gaps in your teeth.  

Ghoulish Gumbo

Time: 2 whole hours

Feeds: Probably more fuckers than you know

The extensive hit list:

• 1 lb smoked sausage
• 1 lb cooked fowl
• 1 lb cooked pig ass
• 1 lb sea roaches
• 1 onion
• 1 bell pepper
• 1 lb okra
• 1 bulb of garlic, peeled and raped to tiny pieces
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• ¼ cup Worcestershire sauce
• ¼ cup canola oil
• 5 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ½ cup flour
• 5 cups bovine juice
• 6 green onions, raped into small pieces
• Parsley
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 1 tbsp cayenne pepper
• Tabasco sauce

The entanglement of the creatures:

Start by obtaining your largest cauldron and placing it over medium high hellfire.  Add the fowl, which should be shredded, the smoked sausage, which should be raped into 1/4” pieces, and pig ass, which should be diced.  Get this warmed through and extract. 

Add the churned bovine secretions and flour.  Make a blond roux, then add the raped onions, bell pepper.  Torture for a few minutes then add your raped vampire repellent. 

After a few more minutes, add the Worcestershire sauce and bovine juice.  Also add the goddamn tomatoes, why not?  Add salt, pepper, cayenne and Tabasco.  Reduce the hate heat and put a lid on the caldron.

Meanwhile, ignite a fire underneath an oiled pan.  Rape the okra with your dagger and incinerate it in the pan, as to get some of the slime out.  Do this for about 20 minutes. 

After an hour has elapsed, add the sea roaches and green onion and more Tabasco.  Torment for 15 minutes, then extract and destroy.

Smelly, Acidic Fowl Digits

Time: 2 goddamn hours

Feeds: 4 metalheads

Things that need killing:

• 1lb of chicken tenders
• 1 lemon
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tbsp thyme
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• ¼ cup of olive oil
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The defiling of the meat in which lays in with the boobies:

Start by putting your tit slivers in a small bag.  Mix up all of the other shit, then pour into the bag.  Let that shit sit for about an hour and a half.

After the time has passed, place a large pan on top of your hellfire generator over medium-high hate heat.  Persecute until the tit meat is cooked all of the way through.  Metabolize into feces. 

Overpriced Bovine Muscle Wrapped in Swine Gut

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds:  Varies, depending on how many hunks of beast you prepare

Shit you’ll need:

• Filet mignon steaks
• Thin strips of swine gut
• Rendered swine gut fat
• Fuckton of salt
• Black pepper

The boiling of the cytoplasm:

Start buy obtaining a cast iron pan and placing it on top of your hellfire generator.  Ignite a burning inferno beneath, as high as it’ll go.  Also be sure to preheat your hatebox to the highest setting it’ll go

.

Take your medallions of flesh and tightly wrap with swine gut strips.  You may pin it with a tooth pick, if you wish.  If you don’t want the tooth pick to burn and stink up your domain, coat it in some oil.

Cover in salt and rub rendered swine gut fat all over the surface of the beast meat.  Add to the pan, which should be smoking by now.  Torture for 1.5 minutes, then flip.  When you flip, immediately put the pan in the hatebox and let it suffer for 3 or 4 minutes more. 

Extract and let it rest for at least 5 minutes.  This will produce a rare center, which is the temperature all beast meat should be at the time of consumption.  

Charonized Alien Fingers

Time: 15 minutes

Feeds:  3 or 4 angry fuckers as a side dish

Inventory to incinerate:

• 15 okra pods, medium to large in size
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper

Required tooling:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• Impalers

Sentencing:

Ignite a bed of coals within your Charon box.  Bathe the alien fingers in unholy water to rid them of filth from the Earth. 

In a bowl, mix up all of the other ingredients.  Impale the pods with your impalers and brush on the oily mess.  Place on the hate grate and persecute for about 4-5 minutes on each side.  Eliminate with your digestive tract.  

Aquatic Suicidal Slab

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: About 5 of your douchebag friends

Kill list:

• 1 large salmon fillet
• 2 lemons
• 2 tsp thyme
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The ritual:

Prehate your hatebox to 450 degrees.  Lay your slab of dead fish meat onto a large piece of parchment paper.  Cover in the seasonings, the juice of one lemon and the slices of another lemon.  Fold up inside the parchment paper, place on a baking sheet and persecute for 15 minutes or so.  Extract and devour.  

Maimed and Preserved Devil Dicks

Time: 1 week

The shit:

• 15 or so large jalapeno peppers
• 1 cup white vinegar
• 1 cup distilled water
• 1 tbsp salt
• 2 tsp sugar
• Black peppercorns
• 2 cloves garlic

Required devices:

• Large specimen jar

The preservation of the demonic phalluses:

Begin by slicing the peppers into about 1/4” rounds with your dagger.  Do not discard the seeds and membranes, unless you’re a  fruitcake.  Remember, fruitcake is what people eat on Jesus’ birthday, and you don’t want to be affiliated with that!

Obtain a medium sized cauldron and dump everything in, minus the peppers.  Ignite a large hellfire beneath your cauldron and pray to Satan for guidance and strength.  Once the concoction is at a raging boil, dump in the mutilated peppers.

Kill the hellfire, hang your face over the pot and inhale deeply.  Let the fiery mist fill your eyes and lungs.  If you’re lucky, this is what your afterlife will feel like, so get used to it.  After 15 minutes, pour the contents of the cauldron into your specimen jar, and put the lid on.

After the specimen jar has cooled significantly, place in the morgue.  You may consume immediately, but for a better flavor, wait at least a week before consumption.

Anti Vampire Outer Fowl Groins

Time: One goddamn hour

Feeds: Two heretics

You will be killing:

• 4 chicken thighs
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions
• 3 tbsp soy sauce
• 1 rosemary sprig
• 3 cloves of garlic, minced
• Fuckton of pepper
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper

The violation of the cock:

Begin by preheating your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Put everything in a bowl, except the groins, and nuke on high for 2 minutes.  Be sure to cover the fucking bowl with some plastic wrap, or else you’ll make a huge goddamn mess inside the nuclear hatebox, and that makes Satan angry. 

Obtain a baking dish and lube it up with some olive oil spray.  Place the loins side by side, skin side down. Put your nuked sprig in between the lap meat, so it touches all of them. Pour 3/4 of the mixture over the dark carcass meat and place into the hatebox.

After 20 minutes have elapsed, extract and flip the steaming cock meat.  Pour the rest of the oriental

vampire repellent mixture over the top and torture for 25 minutes.  If you want the skin crispy, turn on the death from above until about 5 minutes before the final extraction.  Devour and use the bones to make a fashionable necklace for your significant other.

Cole Slawter

Time: 15 minutes

Feeds: A bunch of heathens

List:

• 1 small head of cabbage
• 2 carrots
• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• 2 tbsp vinegar
• 1 tbsp minced onion
• 1 tbsp dry mustard
• 1 tsp dill
• 2 tsp celery seed
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Required equipment:

• Destroyer

The Art of Shredding:

Begin by splitting the head in two with a large dagger.  Cut out the brain stem out and discard.  Slice the head into about 1” strips.

If you have a shredding/grating attachment for your destroyer, now is the time to use it.  Insert the pieces of disfigured head into the destroyer and mutilate beyond recognition.  Add bits of carrot in between scabbage head mutilation.

Get your largest bowl and dump the mutilated head/carrot mixture in.  In a small bowl, combine the other shit on the list and whisk together with hatred and ferocity.  Mix well with the mutilated head and place in the morgue for later or consume now.  

Mutated Medusa Vegetable and Bovine Coagulation Soup

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 4 or 5 pit bosses

The shit:

• 4 heads of broccoli
• 4 fowl bullion cubes
• 1 8oz package cream bovine coagulations, room temperature
• 2 cups heavy cream
• 2 cups unholy water
• 2 cups sharp cheddar coagulations
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Torture tools:

• Immersion pulverizer

From skin to liquid:

Start by decapitating and steaming the broccoli.  While it is enthralled by a searing death, add everything EXCEPT the sharp cheddar coagulations to a cauldron over medium hellfire.  Stir until the cream coagulations are mostly dissolved.

While it is important to make the ingredients suffer, it’s important not to make them suffer too much.  DO NOT let this boil, or else the ritual will fail.  Add the broccoli to the cauldron and destroy with the immersion pulverizer. 

Stir in the 2 cups of cheddar coagulations.  Once they’re dissolved, extract and devour. 

Impaled and Severed Fiery Beast Steak

Time: 3 hours

Feeds:  4 ravenous bastards

Hit List:

• 2.5-3 lbs cheap beast steak
• 4 cloves garlic
• 1 tbsp paprika
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp turmeric
• 1 tsp onion powder
• Fuckton of pepper
• 1 tsp tabasco sauce
• 1/3 cup red jesus blood vinegar
• 3/4 cup olive oil

Murder weapons:

• Impalers
• Immersion pulverizer
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The dismemberment and torture of the beast:

Begin by using your dagger to cut the beast into approximate 1.5” cubes.  Trim all of the fat and use it as bait to catch a carnivore, in which you may also kill and eat the following day.  Place meat into a large sealable bag.

Dump everything else into a container and destroy it with your immersion pulverizer.  Pour into the bag with the ruined beast meat.  Put it in the morgue for two hours.

After 1.5 hours have elapsed, begin preparing your Charon box.  After all of the time has elapsed, string up your impalers with the beast that has been marinating in delicious acid.  You may also stab vegetables of your choice.  Be sure to brush them with oil and coat with salt before placing them above the inferno.

Place the beast meat on the hate grate and sear for about 2 minutes on each side.  Remove and allow to rest before sliding them off of the impalers.  Devour. 

Fart Scab Soup

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: A whole bunch of fuckers

Things to kill:

• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 3 cloves garlic, smashed to bits
• 1 onion, raped to pieces
• 2 quarts fowl juice
• 1 small head of scabbage
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tbsp oregano
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The liquefaction of the head

Start by raping everything with your dagger.  Cut the brain stem out of the scabbed-over head and shred it.  Obtain a large pot and set it on top of your hellfire generator over medium hate.  Add the oil, onions and garlic.  Torture until the color has left the flesh of the onion.

Next add everything else to the cauldron and simmer for 30-40 minutes.  You may devour with crackers or fried skin of swine. 

Scorched Dolphin in a Punishing Acid Bath

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 2 Angry, angry assholes

List of shit:

• 4 or 5 Mahi Mahi fillets
• 1 lemon
• 3/4 cup olive oil
• 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tbsp parsley
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 3 cloves of garlic

Necessary killing equipment

• Immersion pulverizer
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The persecution of the primitive sea creature:

Start by creating a searing blaze in your Charon box.  Brush your slabs of meat with olive oil and sprinkle with salt.  Add to the grate above the hellish inferno.

Meanwhile, squeeze the life from your lemon and combine everything else into a cup and destroy with the immersion pulverizer, creating your acid bath.  Once the dead dolphin has concluded its suffering, extract from the hate grate and set on a plate.  Cover in the delicious acid bath.  Devour. 

Fowl Weed Pie, minus the Weed

Time: Several hours

Feeds: An assload of assholes

List of shit:

Exoskeleton:

• 3.5 cups AP flour
• 1 tbsp salt
• 1.5 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 cup shortening
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions
• 1/2 cup ice water
• 1 egg

The Guts:

• 2 cups previously tormented fowl
• 1 carton of fowl juice, 32 oz
• 2 raped onions
• 3/4 cup flour
• 1.5 sticks of butter
• 2 cups frozen peas
• 2 chopped carrots, tortured until tender
• Parsley
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of pepper

Tooling:

• Automated torture device

The assembly of the abominable creation:

Take your churned bovine secretions for the exoskeleton and cut it into tbsp portions.  Add the dry ingredients to the bowl of your automated torture device and begin to mix with the meathook.  Add the churned bovine secretions one at a time, then the shortening.  Do not add the chicken embryo, because it’s for later. Add the ice water and torture until it forms a ball.  Wrap the ball in plastic and stash it in the morgue.

You may boil the cytoplasm in your fowl in pretty much any manner.  Tortured above the coals of Charon is definitely an acceptable method.  You could also coat the bird in herbs and spices, then annihilate in the hatebox.  The choice is yours.

After the dough has rested for an hour or so, get a large pan over a medium high hellfire.  Add the butter to the pan and sautee the peas, onions and carrots.  After a couple of minutes, add the flour and stir until it is thoroughly combined. 

Add the fowl juice and parsley, and let it simmer until thickened.  Don’t forget to add a fuckton of salt and pepper, or else the ritual will fail!

Roll out your raw exoskeleton and use a little more than half of it to line an 11 X 9 casserole dish.  Leave a little excess hanging over the edges of the dish, for sealing.  Fill it with the bubbling mess.  Quickly roll out the rest of the exoskeleton and place it on top of the concoction, crimping it to the bottom layer.  Carve two inverted crosses and one pentagram for proper venting.

Beat that chicken menstruation with a little unholy water.  Brush it on top of the exoskeleton with your bastard brush.

Place into a 375 degree hatebox for about 50 minutes.  Extract and allow it to cool for about a half hour.  Cut and consume.  

Beast Loaf

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: A family of heathens

Hit list:

• 2lbs ground bovine creature
• Fuckton of black pepper
• Fuckton of salt
• 1.5 cups panko bread crumbs
• 1 discarded chicken embryo
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1 tsp chili powder
• 1/2 yellow bell pepper, raped with a knife
• 1/2 red bell pepper, raped
• 1 carrot
• 1 onion, raped

Beast Blood:

• 1/2 cup ketchup
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp tabasco sauce
• 1 tbsp honey
• 1/2 tsp cumin
• 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

Tools for the job:

• The destroyer

The rendering of the beast meat:

Start by combining all of the dry ingredients, except crumbs, in the destroyer and pulse it a couple of times to combine.  Next, add the peppers, onion, carrot and use the destroyer to chop them to death. 

Put your beast meat in a bowl with the egg.  Add the, Asian crumbs and ruined vegetables to the mix.  Combine with your bare hands, and notice how the cold, beast flesh feels wonderfully lifeless between your fingers.

Form into a loaf.  Put on a flat cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and torture at 350 hate units until the internal temperature is 150 degrees.      

While it is torturing, combine the ingredients for the blood.  When the beast loaf is done, paint the blood onto its exterior, and torture for another 10 minutes or so.  Let it rest for about 10 minutes, then use a carving dagger for dividing out portions among your minions.

Phallic Bush Vegetable Casserole

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 godless souls, as a side dish

List:

• 2 cups green beans
• 1/2 stick butter
• 1 cup sliced fungus
• 1 small onion, raped with a knife
• 3 cups fowl juice
• 1 can cream of fungus soup
• 8 ounces of faggot fried onion rings
• 1 cup cheddar coagulated bovine secretions
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp black pepper

From Bush to Beast Belly:

Go to your evil garden in which you sacrifice animals and use their corpses as fertilizer.  Pick your beans from the untamed bushes.  Wash the filth and poison pesticides away with unholy water and break off the stems. 

Next, melt your butter in a pan over medium hellfire.  Add the raped onions and fungus.  Boil your bush beans in the fowl juice for 10 minutes, until tenderized through torture.  Preheat your hatebox to 350. Add everything else to the pan, minus the cheddar coagulations and probe until combined.

Lube up a casserole dish and fill it with the bubbling mess.  Torture for 20 minutes.  Extract, add the cheddar coagulations, and torture for 10 more minutes.  Extract and devour. 

Devil Dicks

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: A couple of assholes

Shit List:

• 12 jalapeno peppers
• 1 8oz package of cream churned bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup cheddear bovine secretions
• 3 slices swine gut
• 1 cup bovine secretions
• 1/2 cup AP flour
• 1 cup breadcrumbs
• 2 quarts canola oil
• Fuckton of salt

Required tooling:

• Cauldron of oily expiration

The Ritual:

First, extract your block of cream coagulated bovine secretions and allow them to come to room temperature.  Next,  sear your swine gut.  Slice the jalapenos long ways, and remove the seeds and most of the membrane.  Do this barehanded, so you will get capsaicin in your cuticles and have the option of tasting them, or poking into someone’s eye later.

Add all of the coagulations to a bowl and mix thoroughly with the crumbled swine gut.  Prehate your oil in the cauldron to 375 degrees.

Stuff the severed, spicy dicks with the coagulations.  Dip them in the milk then roll in the flour.  Allow them to dry for about 10 minutes.  Then dip back into the milk and roll in the breadcrumbs.  Allow to dry for another 10 minutes, then repeat again. 

After they have dried, dunk into the searing oil bath for 3-4 minutes until they have browned sufficiently.  Extract, immediately douse in salt and consume.  

Deep Shit Pizza

Time: All fucking day

Feeds: A bunch of assholes

Death list:

Body:

•          1 1/2 cup warm unholy water
•          1.25 tbsp yeast
•          1/3 cup non-fat dry bovine secretions
•          1 tbsp salt
•          1 tbsp sugar
•          4.25 cups AP flour
•          4 tbsp canola oil
•          Cooking spray

Blood:

•         1 can tomato sauce
•         1 tsp oregano
•         1/2 tsp marjoram
•        1/2 tsp basil
•         1/2 tsp garlic powder
•         1/2 tsp onion powder
•         1/4 tsp salt
•          Fuckton of crushed red pepper

The soul:

•          Meat of your choice
•          Vegetables of your choice
•          1/4 cup canola oil
•          Mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions

Required Torture Tools:

•         Automated mutilation device

The Creation of the Shit Pie:

Being with a prayer to the dark lord, asking for strength and if necessary, an appearance to aid with the cleanup, which will be extensive.  Measure out your unholy water and add the sugar and microscopic zombies.  Stir well with a clean dagger to combine.

Add the rest of the shit to the bowl of your automated mutilation device and attach the meathook.  After about 10 minutes, add the microscopic zombie liquid, then use the machine to beat the shit out of the contents of the bowl until it forms a ball.  If it’s too sticky add some more flour until it it gets smooth. 

While the body is being beaten into oblivion, you can make the blood of the pie.  Just mix everything together well, and cover.  Stash in the morgue until you need it.

Next, obtain two cast iron pans and divide the dough appropriately.  Dump the canola oil into the pans and add the raw dough.  Blast with cooking spray, cover with a loin cloth and stash in an approximate 110 degree hatebox for several hours, or until the shit has risen to fill the pans.

When the zombies have filled the beaten flour with enough flatulence to fill out the pans, extract and preheat your hatebox to 500.  Use a small flesh shovel to carefully add the blood to the top of the pie.  Spread it out to about 1/2" from the edge.

Take a handful of mozzarella bovine coagulations and sprinkle onto bloody portion.  Now add meat, beginning with flat meat.  Next, vegetables.  When you’re done, sprinkle with as much coagulations as you want, but don’t exceed one cup. 

Torture each in the hatebox for 7 minutes, then check to see if your shit pie is done.  Generally, if the coagulations have browned, then it has received enough punishment.  Extract, and use a probing device to remove from the pan.  Place on a cutting board and use a wheeled dagger to slice.  Consume.